yes i m aggre

Thanks all. I don't think our school is "loose", I just think some teachers don't use the brains God gave them. I told my daughter that it isn't right these teachers use ANY cuss words. Be that as it is, she knows my feelings on this, and her father and siblings.
As for her behavior, we had a long talk on our weekly hourly jouney to a childrens choir she's been a part of for almost 7 years now. And she started talking to me, not me to her. She said she didn't know why she's been such a witch lately, cause she says she loves school, her friends, her activities and all, but she's been feeling sad, and don't know why. We talked a bit, her mostly, and I finally told her that maybe it's because of the lack of hugs. (Just kidding of course, but she's not been giving her family hugs like she use to, and I know I miss them.) She looked at me like I was crazy, but I told her that she doesn't hug her dad or I any longer, and maybe that's why she is sad. Anyway, after her rehearsal, and on the way home, she fell asleep, then came home and went straight to bed. In the morning, she got up as usual, but before she went out the door, she hugged her dad, than came over and hugged me, than left. Boy, was I shocked! And her behavior was great. She came home in a great mood, and all smiles, and said she had a great day. All nastiness gone (today, anyway). I told her it's because she got a lot of sleep, and gave us hugs in the morning. It did her wonders. I think it was mostly that she got her recommended 10 hrs. sleep, though.
I did let her know today that her behavior will have a lot to do with what she will be allowed to do from now on. Oh, and her grades are all A's and A plus'. She's on student government (treasurer), language club (german), academia, kettering children's choir (ketteringchildrenschoir.org),(check this out, it's a lot of fun, and great learning), women's ensemble, marching band (flute), and takes piano lessons. I thinks she's going to drop women's ensemble, as she's already in school choir, and her outside choir, plus her flute and piano, so that will lighten her load. She's taking 2 oe 3 college prep. classes, which she truly loves, and is doing excellent in, and she is in German 1. She doesn't have a cell phone, and is very strictly limited with computer time, and does not "date". Although she does go to the football games, soccer games, and whatever goes on at high school, as we live right across the street, and it's wonderful to be right there. She's also become a candy freak, a lot of sugar. She's a healthy weight, but I told her that all that sugar can affect her mood real easy, plus lead to cavities (she also has braces), and could cause her to get fat and maybe diabetes. I don't buy it, she does from the school, and our little local store up the street. We rarely have candy or sweets in the house other than my husbands crazy sweetened cereal problem!
I hope she don't slip back into the nastiness, but when she does, she's going to bed for 10 hours...after hugs!

I would not hesitate to pull your daughter from her extra-curricular activites! She needs to understand that those are a perk and you can stop paying for them, providing transportation, and signing permission slips at anytime. We have always tried to teach our daughter that she has the right to disagree with anyone, but she must be respectful about it. Sometimes she has to do something (clean her room) whether she agrees with it or not. If not, there will be consequences!

I would caution you against idle threats. If you say you will be pulling her out of X activity the next time she behaves inappropriately, you have to be prepared to follow through with it. Good luck!

Wow, I hadn't given that much thought, that school might be too loose. We're really conservative and live in a very liberal community and it has always been that we go against the grain. You and I sound like we run similar ships. :-)

Maybe your daughter is tired of being different from the pack and just wants to fit in. I'm sure she knows that she's wrong and will eventually come to her senses. In the mean-time I would most certainly talk with the teachers, counselors, principal and all that to voice your concerns about the lack of discipline/structure in the classroom.

Try to remain active in the school, PTA and all that. I would even go to as many Board of Education meetings as possible to continue to reiterate that you are disappointed in the lax way you feel the school is run. I can't believe teachers are swearing in the classroom, it is one thing to be a part of literature and quite another to use in regular converstaion with children. Totally unacceptable!!

As far as suspending her from extra-curriculars, I usually say it is for two weeks and re-evaluate it every week. They can get comfortable with doing nothing and forget that they still have other obligations, so I remind them that they are still on punishment and their team is counting on them to return on XYZ date - they'd better get it together or they'll be out longer.

I hope things turn around for you guys very soon!

mom-of-8:

After reading your response, I get the impression that since your daughter's school is lenient on issues like gum chewing and allowing teachers to use "mild" cuss words (I would have a problem with this, as well), the kids are allowed to push their limits, and maybe your daughter is trying this out at home. It's like "if you give an inch, they take a mile" kind of thing.

The tough part for you, and your daughter, is, while you will enforce your rules at home, these rules go out the window at school. The inconsistencies between home and school could be frustrating for your daughter.

If I were in your shoes, I would have a meeting with your daughter's counselor, with your daughter present, to see what the counselor says. You haven't mentioned how many activities, or what activities, your daughter is involved in here. But once you've had a chance to speak to her counselor and/or teachers, you'll have a better idea on what's going on, and maybe then be able to determine what activities can be cut back and for how long.

She is number 7 in a line up of 8 children. All the older other children range in age from 22 -32. Her younger sister is 12...she is 14. She says she loves the high school, they give them more freedom. Like gum chewing isn't a big deal, they can sit where they want in the lunch room, they can choose between 3 different lunch lines with 3 different lunchs, and 2 of her teachers use some "milder" cuss words once in a while. which I have a problem with, but most of the kids don't because they have become de-sensitized during middle school, with all the foul language the kids themselves use.
She does very well in school with her grades and in her behavior, but I bet it is rolling over some ( her behavior) into the classroom, I can't see it not.
I agree with the child talking to whoever is head over a certain activity. I just don't know how long is approiate. Like...tell her 2 weeks, and if her behavior has improved then she can return to the activity, if not, then she drops another activity? Or, have her drop all activities until the behavior improves, then let her return to each one, one at a time? You'd think I'd have answers, being there are so many older children. But...the difference is..different father...different situations...the older kids did not get the chance to do and be as much a part of things as she and her little sister are. I thought it would be nice for us, as a family, to let the kids be a part of things more in school, then maybe they'd have a better chance at life in general, like college, scholarships for it. And school spirit seems to be a good thing for kids. She has that, but not any home spirit anymore.

Sounds like it is typical teen-angst but I would most certainly pull back on the reigns because you are still the parent and she's setting a poor example for the other children. You don't say where she falls in the birth order of your children, if she's the oldest, middle or what.

Don't give up, don't bend. Kids seem to think that they are running things, so stand strong to your beliefs and that you are the parent. I would pull her out of everything until she improves her behavior.

How is her school work? Is she doing well? Maybe the adjustment to high school is just too much for her and her behavior is a reaction to anxiety. Home is safe for her to let her true feelings out and she's just venting, but in the wrong way.

There's nothing wrong with suspending her form extra-curriculars until her behavior at home improves. I've done that many times with my 4 children. I don't fix it for them, they have to talk to the coach themselves. I don't spare them that embarassment.

Don't give in and don't let up. She has to understand the standards that you run your household and that she can't beat up on everybody if she's having a bad day AND if she's having a bad day it is best to tell you and you'll help her or stay out of her way.