How do I get my child's school to take bullying seriously?
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Parent Answers to "How do I get my child's school to take bullying seriously?"
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I would like to see your proposal when done, as well.
I do believe there is influence in numbers if you can get the parents of other children to not be afraid to speak up as a group. The experience I have had with this so far is that many have their own personal agendas for what they want for their kids and are afraid to buck the system for fear their child will suffer. I do think that when you put yourself out there to the public about your views...whether through speaking for 5 minutes at the school board meetings, creating a group of parents who support children with disabilities, write letters to the editor of the local paper, etc (I have done all of these), others who see this can find you as the 'beacon' to start the ball rolling for reform. However, it gets kind of lonely appearing to be the only person speaking out, but I keep thinking of the kids we will be helping. Some administrators may choose to see me as an adversary rather than a partner in education, but they are eventually going to have to deal with the issues regardless of their feelings for me.
When the sped dir/asst supt balked at creating a Circle of Friends for my son going into middle school this Fall, I found non-disabled peers and their parents to create one with me this Summer. We have also created a "circle of moms" of kids with disabiliies in the district to network about what we know of the workings of the district and to try to work on reforms positively. I spoke at a Board meeting and told our trustees that we wanted transparency in how the ARRA funds would be spent, particularly concerning the IDEA funds...while the district is still far from transparent about their decisions and $$ spent, they included 20K in their proposed ARRA uses document to the State for funding an antibullying program for the school district. However, they didn't include any parents in their 'needs assessment' team and made other choices I don't think are particularly useful or capacity building (want to spend $60K on a computerized IEP system - gag). Have to keep planting the seeds (eg, asking for antibullying program) and working the ground (attending board meetings, speaking to others, etc) until those seeds produce fruit...if ya know what I mean. It will never be fast enough for me....when even one kid suffers, it is never fast enough.
I do believe there is influence in numbers if you can get the parents of other children to not be afraid to speak up as a group. The experience I have had with this so far is that many have their own personal agendas for what they want for their kids and are afraid to buck the system for fear their child will suffer. I do think that when you put yourself out there to the public about your views...whether through speaking for 5 minutes at the school board meetings, creating a group of parents who support children with disabilities, write letters to the editor of the local paper, etc (I have done all of these), others who see this can find you as the 'beacon' to start the ball rolling for reform. However, it gets kind of lonely appearing to be the only person speaking out, but I keep thinking of the kids we will be helping. Some administrators may choose to see me as an adversary rather than a partner in education, but they are eventually going to have to deal with the issues regardless of their feelings for me.
When the sped dir/asst supt balked at creating a Circle of Friends for my son going into middle school this Fall, I found non-disabled peers and their parents to create one with me this Summer. We have also created a "circle of moms" of kids with disabiliies in the district to network about what we know of the workings of the district and to try to work on reforms positively. I spoke at a Board meeting and told our trustees that we wanted transparency in how the ARRA funds would be spent, particularly concerning the IDEA funds...while the district is still far from transparent about their decisions and $$ spent, they included 20K in their proposed ARRA uses document to the State for funding an antibullying program for the school district. However, they didn't include any parents in their 'needs assessment' team and made other choices I don't think are particularly useful or capacity building (want to spend $60K on a computerized IEP system - gag). Have to keep planting the seeds (eg, asking for antibullying program) and working the ground (attending board meetings, speaking to others, etc) until those seeds produce fruit...if ya know what I mean. It will never be fast enough for me....when even one kid suffers, it is never fast enough.
Dear Starcitymama, you are right. "Groups" aren't enough, but the greater the numbers, the harder the issue becomes for the school system to ignore. I got the same thing regarding my child's complaints being dismissed and her own fear that she would be treated by peers as a tattletail. I can't believe that your school staff would punish your child for seeking safety. In my mind, this is punishing the bullied child twice (or more often), and it is very wrong. I have been extremely busy with work since my last post, but I am planning to put together a proposal to deal with this where I am. I think people in my district will be more receptive than it sounds like yours may be. It takes courage to speak out against fear. When I get my plan together, I can share the bullet points of my agenda if that would be helpful to you. You might also consider whether a newspaper in your area might entertain letters to the editors about bullying, to give other parents a forum where they could share their experiences. The numbers might stagger the administration and make it harder for them to ignore. I also find that many educators have a hard time breaking the mold. In many schools, the teachers have little or no say in their lessons or how they handle bullying and discipline. Teaming up with where your district gets their ideas about teaching from, might help. For example, your teachers may have guest speakers at teachers conferences. These might be held by state wide or local organizations of school administrators or teachers. (I have found these organizations on line for my state). You could approach your child's pediatrician to see if they would be willing to approach the teaching or administrators group as a guest lecturer on the issue. I haven't put this thought into action yet, so it is all theory at the moment from my prospective. Maybe someone else has tried this approach and could share whether it was effective?
Dear starcitymama. AMEN SISTER. I don't know where you are from, but it sounds like the MISSOURI public school system to me. Our son's attacker has a parent in administration, so there's not much hope for our situation I guess.
On a different note, does anybody out there have information on how to combat the school on issues that they consider as misbehavior (in our case he makes noises) as opposed to them just accepting that it is a character trait of Asperger's Syndrome.
On a different note, does anybody out there have information on how to combat the school on issues that they consider as misbehavior (in our case he makes noises) as opposed to them just accepting that it is a character trait of Asperger's Syndrome.
Words can hardly express how much this issue makes me mad as h**l at the school systems, terrible sad for the kids that have to endure this, and frustrated with all the suggestions that can't/don't work. My son was bullied last year, and i'm nervous for this new school year. My husband and I went to the school, several times, and they did NOTHING, exept to say our child would be put in time out for "tattling" and suspended if he defended himself. The school year ended before we could take the next step, but if it ever happens again, our next step is the school administrators/directors....no
I don't believe the school system knows how to or even wants to deal with the issue of bullying and school violence. they are on their agenda (school fundings, tenues, benifits, unions). I believe it's up to the parents and community to set the standards and make the change...but how? After all, what's our agenda...our children. I've posted and read these senerios on here soooo many times, i wish there was a unifed way for all the parents to come together with ideas to help solve/deal with this extremely serious issue. I know there are "groups", it's not enough.
My thoughts are with all of you going through this. I pray we find peace for our kids.
I don't believe the school system knows how to or even wants to deal with the issue of bullying and school violence. they are on their agenda (school fundings, tenues, benifits, unions). I believe it's up to the parents and community to set the standards and make the change...but how? After all, what's our agenda...our children. I've posted and read these senerios on here soooo many times, i wish there was a unifed way for all the parents to come together with ideas to help solve/deal with this extremely serious issue. I know there are "groups", it's not enough.
My thoughts are with all of you going through this. I pray we find peace for our kids.
My son has been experiencing incidents of bullying since 2nd grade in his current school district. This year (5th) was the worst so far, with a few more 'minor' physical issues and the last straw, a child kicking in the door of the bathroom stall he was in. I had been documenting and writing to the administrator and sped director all along with these things, so I did the Gebser letter (can google to find examples) route after this last incident - to Superintendent with all of the necessary legal lingo to put them on notice that I have grounds to file a harrassment complaint. Since then, they have promised interventions for this Fall, but we will see if they really do anything. If not, I will be filing the complaint to get their attention. They always see the issue as an isolated one...not something that needs to be addressed school district wide. I have done the research and given them tons of info about how helping to create a climate of respect for all and to work with the bystanders in how to deal with incidents they witness (since research shows they are the ones that can tip the balance of an incident - in the favor of the victim or bully). The SD just doesn't see it as a priority. I also found out that they were violating their own Board policies by not having the SHAC (state mandated safety and health committee) be a majority of parents....they then appointed me and several other parents to the committee for this Fall. Th SHAC advises the Board about needed changes in the curriculum and other needs for the district in terms of health and safety, mental health being one of the fields which would include social skills training and anti bullying/antiviolence training for students. Will see if that makes any difference. I believe you have to be a part of the solution and be proactive....can't just expect the district to do it all for you (even though they should), so if you have the chance to get involved in teh policy making part of your district, to speak to your School Board, etc. about the issue of bullying, do it.
Hello. Firstly, bullying is a very hurtful thing, and it lasts for life. Be an advocate for change. Speak directly to the teacher first, and ask her/him what do they do when they witness children being bullied in their class? Propose a few things for the teacher to think about: bullying is very, very detrimental to a child's health and well-being; it is so discouraging that a child may be endure those effects for an entire lifetime; Bullying is also a signal for HELP -- this is a behavior that requires very specific counseling, and it is usually representative of problematic behaviors or circumstances in the home environment such as domestic violence, verbal and physical abuse, social isolation, or low academic scores. Bullying is a way of taking away another child's confidence and hurting a child so horribly inside, that scars remain. Bullying SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED, and it requires a school-wide approach. A program to prevent bullying must be put into place, and I would suggest a parent group approaching the principal about implementing effective education programs within the school in the form of forums that teachers can attend, and also panel discussions that facilitate questions and answers from parents. A professional in the area of school counseling should be part of the panel discussion, and such things as "Warning Signs," "How to deal with child who bullies" and also "How to Heal children who have been bullied" need to be discussed. It is a very, very serious component of learning at school, and every school should take it seriously. Be active, not passive about this topic at your school.
I believe the bystanders and silent witnesses contribute to the problem. My daughter has been taunted since first grade and we've had meetings with principals, vice principals, parents, etc. Ive found when bystanders tell the bully to "stop" it works wonders. Problem is...most witnesses are scared silent, even when those witnesses are friends of the victim. If the school would implement training and empower the witnesses to speak up we would all see a decrease in bullying.
Are you aware that if you are having problems at school with bullying you can go to the local police department. Have a meeting set up with both parents and the kids see what the problem is between the kids . We have all heard about things that go unresolved and build up so bullying needs to be put to a stop.
Thanks all for your creative ideas. This has given me a lot to work with when approaching the school to start a campaign. To raughammer, I am pleased that you and your son were able to work through your situations. Your suggestions about time with the drivers, teachers, bully, and bullied are good ones. The discussion seems to be focused on how to put those goals into practice. Unfortunately there are varying degrees of behavior and response, some of which are very grave. I agree with the majority of the parents in this discussion that system wide changes need to take place to effectively deal with this, and that there are situations that cause severe issues for students and their families. I meant no attack by my comments regarding your view point. I appreciated the candor and felt that your sharing this differing perspective (which may be held by a number of administrators, teachers, and parents in the schools) helped me understand the response in my school district. Therefore, it will help me develop a more effective plan. (We who practice law are always needing to know and understand both sides). As for infatuation with this issue, I clicked on this link because it is an issue of interest to me. There were several other issues and I believe that if you have a particular concern with academics or other aspects of schooling, you could initiate a discussion on that on this site as well. I suspect that it would generate a similarly motivating and instructive discussion.
You should talk to the superintendant or principal of the school. Work things out and if things don't work out, you're going to have to transfer your child to a not so big bully school.
Well, here is what we did when we faced the same situation; we started filing state compliance complaints.
If you have not filed a state complaint before; we, and many others on here, can assist you.
It really gets their attention when they are found to be “in non compliance”. When they figure out that you are serious maybe some things will change. Try to team up with other parents and get them to file state complaints too.
Write them a letter, stating your desire to visit the Special Education room, to see your child. Mention the fact that you have been denied access previously, and ask for the policy. State the fact that someone told you that you should contact the district attorney, and that you were hoping it would not come to that.
Then, go to your state’s Department of Education website. There will be a section explaining how to file a state complaint, not a due process complaint, they are two different things. When you file the complaint, mention all the infractions you know of to date (dates they occurred and any documentation you might have) finally, include a copy of the aforementioned letter requesting access. Include a copy of their response, if there was one.
Good Luck!
P.S
Do not contact the school's lawyer.
If you have not filed a state complaint before; we, and many others on here, can assist you.
It really gets their attention when they are found to be “in non compliance”. When they figure out that you are serious maybe some things will change. Try to team up with other parents and get them to file state complaints too.
Write them a letter, stating your desire to visit the Special Education room, to see your child. Mention the fact that you have been denied access previously, and ask for the policy. State the fact that someone told you that you should contact the district attorney, and that you were hoping it would not come to that.
Then, go to your state’s Department of Education website. There will be a section explaining how to file a state complaint, not a due process complaint, they are two different things. When you file the complaint, mention all the infractions you know of to date (dates they occurred and any documentation you might have) finally, include a copy of the aforementioned letter requesting access. Include a copy of their response, if there was one.
Good Luck!
P.S
Do not contact the school's lawyer.
Dear Papertrail: Regarding your comment that we are "in a bad school" we are in TOTAL agreement. We've had everyone from other parents to autism consultants tell us this same thing, but what are you do do execept to try and work to change it. Thank you for the helpful Wrightslaw information. I had read it before, but it was good to be reminded that we are not crazy for wanting to be involved in our son's education and to get the best placement it would be necessary to visit the special education classrooms. At our last IEP meeting we had a retired special education teacher from a larger district in our state present with us as an advocate and she plainly told them that she had worked in her district for 35 years and had always had parents visit her classrooms, but the special education director held her ground and told us we would have to take it up with the school district's attorney. We have not done this yet.
We brought up the fact that when we attended back to school night we had visited our son's special education classroom and had seen two other students and their parents there, so we asked what was the difference? We were given some lame excuse that because everyone was their by their choice, that it was a different situation entirely.
We brought up the fact that when we attended back to school night we had visited our son's special education classroom and had seen two other students and their parents there, so we asked what was the difference? We were given some lame excuse that because everyone was their by their choice, that it was a different situation entirely.
copied from wrightslaw.com
Parent Involvement Policies in NCLB
The No Child Left Behind Act may help.
Schools that receive Title I funds must meet with parents to develop a parental involvement policy and must distribute the policy to parents and the community. Parents of children who attend Title I schools shall have access to school staff, opportunities to participate in the child's class, and to observe classroom activities. (20 U.S.C. § 6318)
The school must hold a meeting every year to tell parents about the parent involvement policy and their right to be involved in their child's education.
Parents have a right to access to teachers, opportunities to volunteer and participate in your child's class, and to observe classroom activities. (Wrightslaw: No Child Left Behind, page 39, 58-59, 80, 194-198)
If the child attends a Title I school, parents have a right to inspect instructional materials used in the curriculum. (Title X, Section 1061) (Wrightslaw: No Child Left Behind, page 39)
Request School Board's Policies
I think Pete's suggestion about asking the special ed director to request guidance from school board counsel is a good idea.
Another strategy is to write a letter to the special ed director, explaining that parents in other schools and/or school districts are allowed to observe classrooms. Request that the special ed director provide you with the school board's policy that prohibits parents from observing their child's classroom and / or a proposed placement.
If your school receives Title I funds, request a copy of the parent involvement policy that the school is required to develop.
Resources
Answers to Questions about Parent Observations, Privacy and Confidentiality - In response to requests from the Education Law Center, the U. S. Department of Education clarifies parental observations of their children in classrooms under IDEA and student confidentialty under FERPA.
Parent Involvement Policies in NCLB
The No Child Left Behind Act may help.
Schools that receive Title I funds must meet with parents to develop a parental involvement policy and must distribute the policy to parents and the community. Parents of children who attend Title I schools shall have access to school staff, opportunities to participate in the child's class, and to observe classroom activities. (20 U.S.C. § 6318)
The school must hold a meeting every year to tell parents about the parent involvement policy and their right to be involved in their child's education.
Parents have a right to access to teachers, opportunities to volunteer and participate in your child's class, and to observe classroom activities. (Wrightslaw: No Child Left Behind, page 39, 58-59, 80, 194-198)
If the child attends a Title I school, parents have a right to inspect instructional materials used in the curriculum. (Title X, Section 1061) (Wrightslaw: No Child Left Behind, page 39)
Request School Board's Policies
I think Pete's suggestion about asking the special ed director to request guidance from school board counsel is a good idea.
Another strategy is to write a letter to the special ed director, explaining that parents in other schools and/or school districts are allowed to observe classrooms. Request that the special ed director provide you with the school board's policy that prohibits parents from observing their child's classroom and / or a proposed placement.
If your school receives Title I funds, request a copy of the parent involvement policy that the school is required to develop.
Resources
Answers to Questions about Parent Observations, Privacy and Confidentiality - In response to requests from the Education Law Center, the U. S. Department of Education clarifies parental observations of their children in classrooms under IDEA and student confidentialty under FERPA.
Response to raughammer: In response to your comment that, "Bullying comes across as being made out as a bigger issue than it should be," I totally disagree. Maybe your child has not had nightmares for nights on end about incidents that have happened at school. Maybe your child does not have weekly counseling appointments to handle issues that arose as a result of those same incidents. This is our life right now, and the thought of it starting all over again as a new school year begins sickens us. Maybe bullying seems to be the "primary issue of this whole web site" because so many of we parents have to deal with this on a daily basis. Your mindset about bullying seems to fall right in line with that of the school personnel we have had to deal with, and that's precisely why the situation doesn't improve.
Regarding your suggestion of parents getting involved to have more adult supervision in schools, that's a joke in our district. Once again the schools yell FERPA and forbid parents from being near the special education classrooms stating it is an invasion of privacy of the special education students. We have encountered this on numerous occasions--we want to visit our child's special education classroom but are denied that access. We pushed on this issue and our special education director told us we would have to take it up with the school district's attorney. Does anyone else encounter this? "
You are in a bad school!
What does the school handbook have written in it .
E- mail the the district superintendent and ask him to show you this in writing.
We had that problem with the special education teacher. When we pressed further we got the director of special education to agree to checking in at the office and give her five minutes warning.
I think you should contact the State Department of Education and discuss this with them.
Read. www.wrightslaw.com/info/priv.c
www.wrightslaw.com/info/ferpa.
You are in a bad school!
What does the school handbook have written in it .
E- mail the the district superintendent and ask him to show you this in writing.
We had that problem with the special education teacher. When we pressed further we got the director of special education to agree to checking in at the office and give her five minutes warning.
I think you should contact the State Department of Education and discuss this with them.
Read. www.wrightslaw.com/info/priv.c
www.wrightslaw.com/info/ferpa.
Response to Shellyjoan: Thank you for the information. I will check it out at my earliest convenience. Regarding your suggestion of parents getting involved to have more adult supervision in schools, that's a joke in our district. Once again the schools yell FERPA and forbid parents from being near the special education classrooms stating it is an invasion of privacy of the special education students. We have encountered this on numerous occasions--we want to visit our child's special education classroom but are denied that access. We pushed on this issue and our special education director told us we would have to take it up with the school district's attorney. Does anyone else encounter this?
I strongly encourage you to visit the Waunakee Community Middle School website and check the information on bullying. You may want to read the research by Olweus Bully Prevention and share it with your school. You may also want to learn more about Restorative Justice and see how you can be involved in your school to help make this happen. The more adult supervision in schools, the less likely harassment can take place. Work with your school and the parents to insure that there are always numerous adults in places where students gather (e.g., on playgrounds, buses, bike racks, etc.). Schools seldom have the personnel to cover all of these areas and so parent support is essential to supporing a safe and orderly environment. Ask your principal, associate principal, or teachers if you can join in on the training that is provided to students and staff on bullying and harassment. This is a wonderful way to know exactly how it is dealt with in your district. Finally, please note the most recent research that reinforces that if students learn methods to deal with this type of inappropriate behavior early in life and in their educational careers (K-1-2), it is less likely to be an issue as they develop. Help your child by discussing appropriate responses to all types of harassment. Keep up the good work!
Our 11 year old daughter attends a conservative Christian private school. They try to control the bullying and provide a Christian environment. However, they cannot control the children all the time, just like parents cannot control them all the time, either.
Last year, our daughter got fed up with one boy who had a reputation of bullying everyone in the class. He threw water on her and she responded with a roundhouse kick to his head that sent him rolling in front of most of the class. No one said anything to the teachers and the bully was so embarrassed that he did not say anything either. In fact, he choose his bullying acts much more wisely thereafter. I guess he learned something at school that day!
Her karate experience of using common sense before self defense was used but after you have seen and had enough, you have to use your well earned Black Belt to good use. She does not have any problems with bullies anymore and lots of her classmates do not either. Her classmates respect her more, now.
Last year, our daughter got fed up with one boy who had a reputation of bullying everyone in the class. He threw water on her and she responded with a roundhouse kick to his head that sent him rolling in front of most of the class. No one said anything to the teachers and the bully was so embarrassed that he did not say anything either. In fact, he choose his bullying acts much more wisely thereafter. I guess he learned something at school that day!
Her karate experience of using common sense before self defense was used but after you have seen and had enough, you have to use your well earned Black Belt to good use. She does not have any problems with bullies anymore and lots of her classmates do not either. Her classmates respect her more, now.
Dear raughammer,
I think you may not have read all of the posts, and certainly not the follow up post made by the person who originally made this thread.
The child from the original post was sexually assaulted. Our child also was sexually harassed and assaulted. Other parents were reporting physical assaults and death threats.
We are not talking about people being “teased”. Teasing also is a bad thing though, as it often escalates to something worse.
Bullying affects the victim, and those who witnessed the attack. They may become afraid that they will be the next victim. If children are living in constant fear, they can’t concentrate fully on learning.
This thread is full of people trying to help each other create safe learning environments for all of our children’s sake.
I think you may not have read all of the posts, and certainly not the follow up post made by the person who originally made this thread.
The child from the original post was sexually assaulted. Our child also was sexually harassed and assaulted. Other parents were reporting physical assaults and death threats.
We are not talking about people being “teased”. Teasing also is a bad thing though, as it often escalates to something worse.
Bullying affects the victim, and those who witnessed the attack. They may become afraid that they will be the next victim. If children are living in constant fear, they can’t concentrate fully on learning.
This thread is full of people trying to help each other create safe learning environments for all of our children’s sake.
Dear Parker Brood, I have had the experience both as a child and when my son was in elementary school. So you would be wrong from both a parent and a child's perspective. I stand by my words that the issue is over blown in both the real world and here on this site.
This site seems infatuated by the issue for what ever reason. When i was a child i handled the issue more than once on my own and as a parent when we had this issue happen to our son we handled it then as well. It is not as you seem bent on describing it as some insurmountable problem. But it is one that can be met and conquered when enough time/attention is given to the school, the bus driver or the with provocative student if that happens to be the case.
Perhaps you would be more effective in this forum if you would keep your personal attacks (framing others as part of the problem for example) to a minimum?
This site seems infatuated by the issue for what ever reason. When i was a child i handled the issue more than once on my own and as a parent when we had this issue happen to our son we handled it then as well. It is not as you seem bent on describing it as some insurmountable problem. But it is one that can be met and conquered when enough time/attention is given to the school, the bus driver or the with provocative student if that happens to be the case.
Perhaps you would be more effective in this forum if you would keep your personal attacks (framing others as part of the problem for example) to a minimum?
Bullying affects not just the children involved but the families as well. I believe it is the school's responsibility for creating a conducive learning environment and that means no bullies. You need to do some research to see if your school district has a no-bully policy and if they do, does your school follow it? You may need to meet with the school counselor or the Vice Principal to get your questions answered about specific policies. Does the after-school care program follow this policy or do they have their own set of rules? What happens if a bullying incident flows into school from after school care provided onsite at school or vice versa? Is there a "Three strikes and your out" policy and what type of communication takes place between the school staff and the onsite after school care? As a mom whose first grader was teased by a former friend, my thoughts are strong and clouded by personal experience. This teasing progressed into several girls ganging up and being mean and the ringleader actually attacked our daughter several times during and after school hours. It got to the point where our daughter didn't want to go to school, she had constant headaches and stomach aches and her teacher noted a distinct change in her personality (of a first grader for God's sake!).
I think it is vital that the school district have a very clear policy on bullying. Should we have met with the bully's parents to talk about what was going on? Not in this case and every case has a unique set of circumstances. We considered involving the police, consulted with a lawyer, met numerous times with school and county officials. The family did have to meet with Social Services so it did get serious. I am pleased to say there have not been any repeat offenses in the past two years. I can only hope that what we did and what our daughter had to go through raised the alert level at the school and within the county. I personally would like to see every grade school recognize a week that talks about how to be a Bully-Free school.
I think it is vital that the school district have a very clear policy on bullying. Should we have met with the bully's parents to talk about what was going on? Not in this case and every case has a unique set of circumstances. We considered involving the police, consulted with a lawyer, met numerous times with school and county officials. The family did have to meet with Social Services so it did get serious. I am pleased to say there have not been any repeat offenses in the past two years. I can only hope that what we did and what our daughter had to go through raised the alert level at the school and within the county. I personally would like to see every grade school recognize a week that talks about how to be a Bully-Free school.
Dear raughamme:
It is apparent that you haven't had this experience. I do believe that the schools at time do seem to be micromanaging behavior, but then simultaneously fail to recognize a real issue. If you haven't had the experience in seeing your child falling behind because she is being bullied, with no one in the classroom taking her complaints seriously and allowing her to struggle with both issues (first the bullying, then the resultant diminished performance), then your comments are understandable. Your mind set is very revealing, and helps me understand why this issue hasn't been dealt with effectively. As for academics, I volunteer my time to offer enrichment activities, including in math, science, and technology, and feel that keeping kids on track academically is my number one goal in raising concern about bullying and elsewise.
It is apparent that you haven't had this experience. I do believe that the schools at time do seem to be micromanaging behavior, but then simultaneously fail to recognize a real issue. If you haven't had the experience in seeing your child falling behind because she is being bullied, with no one in the classroom taking her complaints seriously and allowing her to struggle with both issues (first the bullying, then the resultant diminished performance), then your comments are understandable. Your mind set is very revealing, and helps me understand why this issue hasn't been dealt with effectively. As for academics, I volunteer my time to offer enrichment activities, including in math, science, and technology, and feel that keeping kids on track academically is my number one goal in raising concern about bullying and elsewise.
raughammer:
I would have to disagree with your comment. I DO think that the emphasis should be on learning, but it makes it impossible if the child is so upset by the time they get to school that they are not in the mind set to listen and learn. I think that it IS a big issue when your child is being hit in the head, I also think that the school does need to address it when it becomes physical.
I would have to disagree with your comment. I DO think that the emphasis should be on learning, but it makes it impossible if the child is so upset by the time they get to school that they are not in the mind set to listen and learn. I think that it IS a big issue when your child is being hit in the head, I also think that the school does need to address it when it becomes physical.
First, can I ask what FERPA means? I have never heard that term before. I have not had any problems with bullying with my daughter so far, hopefully things will stay that way. I used to get bullied though in Junior high, and somehow the girl seemed to figure out how to turn it around and make me sound like the bully when I was just defending myself, 2 times she had her mother call the police on me, they never did anything though, cause I told them what was really going on. I would say, if the principle is not doing anything about it, than go go above them, and if your child is hurt physically, report it to the police.
It seems to me the schools interfere far too much with the
interpersonal relationships of the students and not enough
in the instruction part of "School".
Bullying comes across as being made out as a bigger issue than it should be. At times it seems it is the primary focus of this whole web site.
interpersonal relationships of the students and not enough
in the instruction part of "School".
Bullying comes across as being made out as a bigger issue than it should be. At times it seems it is the primary focus of this whole web site.
I personally think that this is an issue that needs a better organized approach. New teachers are often out of tune with the subtle techniques of bullying, including the control, isolation, verbal abuse. In my experience, the only people in the school with a plan and the ability to take meaningful action is the school's behavior specialists. Not all schools may have them though. I talked to my child's pediatrician and they directed me to the American Pediatrics website section on bullying. It has some information which is helpful, but the message needs to be delivered to the bullies, and I was disappointed that it focused so much on physical, and didn't spend as much with psychological abuse and control issues. I noticed on TV they are advertising a website to assist with controlling relationships, something like itsnotcool, not sure exactly. That might have some helpful information that can be extrapolated to the peer relationship context. On my to do list is to make this a topic of some assemblies through a partnership with parents, the school, and area medical professionals. Bullying has had a huge negative impact on my 8 year old. On a lighter note, when my now 11 year old son ran into a bully in grade school, he ended up feeling bad for the bully after the bully ended up without friends, and he worked it out himself. Now, he doesn't tolerate any bullying of kids with disabilities or otherwise, and will tell the bullies to leave others alone. The problem is, not every kid comes through every bully situation triumphantly and stronger. The hurt it causes is serious and inexcusable. Sadly, I also encounter more and more adults who appear to feel that they can "bully" themselves through every situation. The problem extends well beyond the school years.
This is frustrating to us as well. There is this child in our neighborhood who was 8, one of my boys was 5, and they were on their way home from school. The 8 year old hauls off and hits, closed fisted, my son on the top of the head. My son fought back, he was being assaulted, and hit the boy once. Not in the head, just back at the boy. The school was going to write up my son for defending himself, against a much older and bigger boy. I called and they promised to review the video and to talk to this other boy, and my son. After they reviewed the video, AND talked to both boys, they decided not to write up either boy. They just keep moving this boy around the bus. I have twins and he was sitting beside my boys, and they moved one of my sons away from him, then they had to move this boy two other times, and finally he was moved back next to my son (who was hit), after this they had to move him again. Last year this boy was kicked off the bus for a week for making a death threat on another kid on the bus, he also took a little girl, 6 years old, and smashed her head into the seat in front of her. The school does nothing. I just do not understand it. This is beyond verbal, this is physical abuse. It is to the point that I think this year I will drive my boys to school. It will mean adjusting my work schedule, but it is worth it. What about the other kids whose parents don't have the option?
First, we sympathize with you. Hang in there! Do not give up. Next, we want you to know that we have been there as well.
You should contact the office of civil rights. Your child is the victim of sexual harassment. Your child’s school and district are guilty of “failure to protect”. By failing to provide FAPE (because of an unsafe and hostile work environment) they are continuing to violate your child’s civil rights.
The office of civil rights can be found on-line. There are time-frames involved, but the harassment is continuing (because your child has not been made to feel safe at school).
The office of civil rights complaint does require you to suggest a possible solution. State what changes or accommodations you would like for your child, and suggest training for the district staff and students.
Does your school or district even have a Title IX coordinator? They will be required to have one. They also will be required to inform students and their families of the Title IX coordinator and how to contact this person to report harassment.
Also, do inform the police. Even if the school will not cooperate because of FERPA (which is the excuse they tried in our child’s case) you can file a report of your own. That is what we did.
This is serious stuff. Your son may even need counseling for this. Failure to protect is a serious thing. If this happened at another person’s house, you can bet law enforcement would be involved.
If Child Protective Services heard of a child being sexually assaulted, and heard that the adults in charge allowed this to happen and continued to do nothing to protect the child; you can bet the child would be removed from the home.
In our child’s case, our private counselor informed us that as a “mandated reporter” she was required to inform the authorities of what had happened to our child, and that it was a good thing that we were doing something about it. She explained that if we had been doing nothing, she would have had to report us for “failure to protect” as well.
Assault, harassment and sexual assault are serious problems. They need to stop being shoved “under the rug” by schools or districts that are more worried about the “bottom line” than about the safety and security of individual children.
Good luck,
Mr. and Mrs. Papertrail
(Parents of six)
www.ed.gov/about/offices/list/
A Helpful website
www.wrightslaw.com/
Here is another forum that may be of some help
millermom.proboards.com/index.
You should contact the office of civil rights. Your child is the victim of sexual harassment. Your child’s school and district are guilty of “failure to protect”. By failing to provide FAPE (because of an unsafe and hostile work environment) they are continuing to violate your child’s civil rights.
The office of civil rights can be found on-line. There are time-frames involved, but the harassment is continuing (because your child has not been made to feel safe at school).
The office of civil rights complaint does require you to suggest a possible solution. State what changes or accommodations you would like for your child, and suggest training for the district staff and students.
Does your school or district even have a Title IX coordinator? They will be required to have one. They also will be required to inform students and their families of the Title IX coordinator and how to contact this person to report harassment.
Also, do inform the police. Even if the school will not cooperate because of FERPA (which is the excuse they tried in our child’s case) you can file a report of your own. That is what we did.
This is serious stuff. Your son may even need counseling for this. Failure to protect is a serious thing. If this happened at another person’s house, you can bet law enforcement would be involved.
If Child Protective Services heard of a child being sexually assaulted, and heard that the adults in charge allowed this to happen and continued to do nothing to protect the child; you can bet the child would be removed from the home.
In our child’s case, our private counselor informed us that as a “mandated reporter” she was required to inform the authorities of what had happened to our child, and that it was a good thing that we were doing something about it. She explained that if we had been doing nothing, she would have had to report us for “failure to protect” as well.
Assault, harassment and sexual assault are serious problems. They need to stop being shoved “under the rug” by schools or districts that are more worried about the “bottom line” than about the safety and security of individual children.
Good luck,
Mr. and Mrs. Papertrail
(Parents of six)
www.ed.gov/about/offices/list/
A Helpful website
www.wrightslaw.com/
Here is another forum that may be of some help
millermom.proboards.com/index.
"Because of the lack of school support after a physical assault and sexual harassment during an extracurricular activity, my son, who already has problems with anxiety, became so anxious it was nearly impossible to get him through the last couple of weeks of school."
This is real serious.
This has go outside the the district level.
I would like to comment on this later.
"For those of you reading this who will say to file a police report, my response is that we talked with the principal about doing this and were told to "trust" that the school would handle it. When I asked "how" they screamed FERPA at me--it would violate the bully's rights to let me know how they were going to handle him."
Document more.
When our children were assaulted we had no choice but to file outside of the district.
Let me guess they said some b/s favoring the bully right?
Mr Speakerwire.
This is real serious.
This has go outside the the district level.
I would like to comment on this later.
"For those of you reading this who will say to file a police report, my response is that we talked with the principal about doing this and were told to "trust" that the school would handle it. When I asked "how" they screamed FERPA at me--it would violate the bully's rights to let me know how they were going to handle him."
Document more.
When our children were assaulted we had no choice but to file outside of the district.
Let me guess they said some b/s favoring the bully right?
Mr Speakerwire.
To elle le 1 I'm glad to hear that your son is doing well with the techniques you are using. Your son being quiet and a loner, in my opinion, makes it easier to deal with. He is creative and funny and he loves to make people laugh and will go to almost any extreme to make that happen. Therein lies a big part of his problem, because his differences are more evident because he is very verbal. He receives social skills training at school, and of course, here at home, but having an AS child yourself you probably know that it is much more difficult for him to generalize the concepts he is learning. He is also very rigid in his way of thinking, and convincing him that he only draws more attention to himself in a negative way, is like talking to a brick wall most of the time. Because he is so high functioning, the school sees this as an outright attempt for attention rather than a symptom of AS. We do see AS as a blessing and our son knows that we love and accept him for who he is--unfortunately, it's easier for those who have to deal with his differences to see his "blessing" as an inconvenience and a problem to be fixed. I don't know how old your child is, ours is 15. Because of the lack of school support after a physical assault and sexual harassment during an extracurricular activity, my son, who already has problems with anxiety, became so anxious it was nearly impossible to get him through the last couple of weeks of school. For those of you reading this who will say to file a police report, my response is that we talked with the principal about doing this and were told to "trust" that the school would handle it. When I asked "how" they screamed FERPA at me--it would violate the bully's rights to let me know how they were going to handle him. We believe he received a week or so of in-school suspension and dismissal from the extracurricular activity. To appease us, they said they would provide a paraprofessional for the time my son was in the extracurricular activity. Sounds great--well, it might have been had it been more than just a title. The para, when present for the activity, was no where close to my son, and sometimes he just failed to even show up. And by the way, for those reading this that say to go above the principal to the superintendent, we did copy him on the emails that we had with the school, so he was aware of the situation--no response. I wish the school subscribed to the theory "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure," and we'd all be better off. I may sound bitter--it's not bitterness--just fed up with a school that is more concerned with its outward appearance than the quality of education provided to its students and hoping in some way to make a difference.
To Jennamac: I completely understand where you are coming from and agree with you that children who have AS have enough issues to deal with (sensorial, emotional, etc)...let alone the bullies which can be hurtful to any target they find. Many districts already have an anti-bullying prevention policy. Anyone seeking information regarding such a policy should ask the school district for a copy of the policy. Again, grants for social skills and resiliency training could be a possibility and can be applied for by the district. In the meantime, books/dvds on how to handle bullies, as well as extracurricular activites that the child enjoys, helps build their self esteem and provides them with the tools to handle themselves in situations. There are numerous children with AS dealing with the exact same issue. My own child has AS as well. My son has flourished using the techniques described above. He has also been a target of bullies because he is quiet, loner, etc. But he also has friends with similar interests and has taken extracurricular activities. He also understands that arguing with a bully or crying in front of the bully only provides encouragement to the bully. All AS children are different, but they are not alone. Good Luck in your pursuit of help for your child. Tell your child everyday how unique and talented he/she is (I'm sure your child has a wonderful ability) and noone can take that away. AS can be a blessing and/or a curse...depends on how you handle the world.
To elle le 1
Just my opinion, but where is this self-esteem supposed to come from when the child is continually ridiculed and called names. I will agree with you that the higher the self-esteem, the less likely the negative experiences will hurt, but with an AS child you are generally dealing with a child who has low self esteem from dealing with rude and insensitive people on a daily basis over a long period of time. I do believe that these children need to be taught resiliency, but while they are learning, there should be safeguards in place to protect them. As with our son, most AS kids are not diagnosed until they have already been through unrelentless tormenting by their peers, and by then their self esteem is almost nil. Anxiety and depression are very real concerns for any parent of an AS child. And, yes, we've all been discriminated against in some way, but most of us are not carrying around the baggage that these kids have, and we are more capable of handling the situation. In our case, yes, the bullies are called into the office, but it's usually a temporary fix. And, there's always a new crop of bullies coming along to take their place. My son has also endured a physical assault, and the school handled the situation, but when the bully continued to taunt my son, my son was given instructions on how to stay out of the bully's way in the hallways. Once again, the schools react instead of using prevention techniques.
Just my opinion, but where is this self-esteem supposed to come from when the child is continually ridiculed and called names. I will agree with you that the higher the self-esteem, the less likely the negative experiences will hurt, but with an AS child you are generally dealing with a child who has low self esteem from dealing with rude and insensitive people on a daily basis over a long period of time. I do believe that these children need to be taught resiliency, but while they are learning, there should be safeguards in place to protect them. As with our son, most AS kids are not diagnosed until they have already been through unrelentless tormenting by their peers, and by then their self esteem is almost nil. Anxiety and depression are very real concerns for any parent of an AS child. And, yes, we've all been discriminated against in some way, but most of us are not carrying around the baggage that these kids have, and we are more capable of handling the situation. In our case, yes, the bullies are called into the office, but it's usually a temporary fix. And, there's always a new crop of bullies coming along to take their place. My son has also endured a physical assault, and the school handled the situation, but when the bully continued to taunt my son, my son was given instructions on how to stay out of the bully's way in the hallways. Once again, the schools react instead of using prevention techniques.
If it very important to you, you should talk to the principal or teachers that work in the school. I think bullying is serious, and you should take stand for it.
Have you checked to see if your district has an anti-bullying program in place?
E-mail the Principal and the district office the same inquiry. If they do not respond you may fax them. Going in person is harder to document, but you can document this by sending a "letter of understanding" to the above. This will get you started. www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/artic
Yes, I agree with SoCalgal you might need to contact law enforcement.
Do not let your child be target of bullying.
Keep a record of each incident. Get witnesses names too.
What kind of bullying is happening?
E-mail the Principal and the district office the same inquiry. If they do not respond you may fax them. Going in person is harder to document, but you can document this by sending a "letter of understanding" to the above. This will get you started. www.wrightslaw.com/advoc/artic
Yes, I agree with SoCalgal you might need to contact law enforcement.
Do not let your child be target of bullying.
Keep a record of each incident. Get witnesses names too.
What kind of bullying is happening?
The school and/or parents could seek grants for social skills training for all children. Speak with the Principal and be a great model for non-bullying by not trying to "scare the schools" using threats of lawsuits and the like. Although NOONE should be bullied by anyone, it has happened to everyone at some degree. Children need to be taught/modeled resiliency skills and how to handle themselves with a "bully". Some bullies hide it from adults. Every school should adopt some sort of anti-bullying policies (just like employers have anti-discrimination policies). However, every person I've ever met has been discriminated against in some way by another person. The more resilient and higher self-esteem that person has within him/her-self, the less likely the negative experiences will hurt the self. Just an opinion.
If the principal ignores you, go to your local law enforcement office and file a formal report. I'm not saying that law enforcement will do much else (you may get resistance to taking a report -- insist that the report be taken anyway). Put the original copy of the report in a safe place, along with any notes you've made about the situation.
But after you have the report -- mail a copy of the report along with a letter to the superintendent of schools informing them that you will hold the district responsible for any and all harm that comes to your student as a result of the bullying.
Hand deliver the letter and get a signed receipt of delivery. Plus, hand deliver a copy of the letter to the principal.
After you do this, it's darned likely that you will have gotten their attention and you will get a phone call from the principal. Meet with them to discuss how they will address this very serious issue.
Good luck.
But after you have the report -- mail a copy of the report along with a letter to the superintendent of schools informing them that you will hold the district responsible for any and all harm that comes to your student as a result of the bullying.
Hand deliver the letter and get a signed receipt of delivery. Plus, hand deliver a copy of the letter to the principal.
After you do this, it's darned likely that you will have gotten their attention and you will get a phone call from the principal. Meet with them to discuss how they will address this very serious issue.
Good luck.
Talk with the principal, if that doesn't work maybe the person ahead of him. (administrators). If your child is affected let them know, talk with other parents and maybe if more parents get involved they'll help. Bullying is serious and not to long ago two eleven year old boys killed themselves over bullying.
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