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Anonymous June 8, 2009

My nine year old son has a bad temper.

I have a nine year old son who is in 3rd grade. He is very smart! but he had a bad temper, he had very little patience.
I do not know how to help him control his temper. He has excellent grades in school.

Parent Answers to "My nine year old son has a bad temper. "

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My ten year-old is the same way, although he seems to be able to keep his cool outside of our household. He is a straight A student, perfect behavior at school - but unleashes on us at the most unexpected times.
I don't know if your son does this, but mine also gets ideas about how he thinks things should go and then takes his ideas as fact - and gets really upset when things don't go the way he pictured them. Maybe I am wrong - but I send him to be alone when he is having his temper tantrums telling him I understand he is angry but the rest of us don't have to be a part of it (this was after several very unsuccessful attempts at trying to listen to him and be rational - but he is not rational at all when he is in this state) - he will go to his room, punch his mattress, punch his pillow, scream into it, etc. And life goes on for the rest of the family. His tantrums are coming fewer and fewer as he is no longer getting the desired affect of being the complete center of attention for the whole family. He also has this story posted on his wall - and although I haven't tried the technique, just reading it seems to be a good reminder:

NAIL IN THE FENCE

There once was a little boy who had a bad
temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails
and told him that every time he lost his
temper, he must hammer a nail into the back
of the fence. The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his
anger, the number of nails hammered daily
gradually dwindled down. He discovered
it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't
lose his temper at all. He told his father
about it and the father suggested that the
boy now pull out one nail for each day that
he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally
able to tell his father that all the nails
were gone. The father took his son by the
hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You
have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be
the same. When you say things in anger,
they leave a scar just like this one.! You
can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm
sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal
wound is as bad as a physical one.

I hope this helps you in some way!

Thank you. I will try this. My son will get upset when things do not go his way or if he messed up on his paper work he will very upset. It scares me, I just want to be able to help him. Thank you!

Great story, kjdmom! Thanks for sharing.

Thanks, I was at my wits end when a friend sent this to me and I used it to propel what needed to be done to start bringing peace to my home.
Mommyof_3, I just have to ask, does this happen to be your middle child?

Mommyof_3, when you say that your son's behavior scares you, it sounds like it might be worth mentioning his outbursts to your doctor. As children get older, and hormones come into play, some kids find it even harder to manage their emotions. It's important to learn healthier ways of handling anger management sooner, not later. You also might want to read the book by Ross Greene, "The Explosive Child."

yes

I tried two sessions of therapy. The doctor told me to reward him and not to concentraste on his behavior and I did. I have no complaints because he gets good grades. He scored really high on his CST test score in math and he was also give the GATE test and he did excellent. That is not one of my worries. I do have to say that their dad was not in their lives.

He is very sweet and kind, but he struggles and had a hard time controlling his anger.

Did your ex also exhibit problems controlling his temper? Certain conditions are hereditary, and have nothing to do with how smart a person is. People sometimes mistakenly think that bright kids can't also have serious issues. You might want to look at www.bpkids.org

Not at all, but my dad had a bad temper. The doctor said, that he may have ADD, but that it is very low. He said that their are different types of ADD. He said that kids who had ADD had bad temper. Medication is the least thing I want my son to be in. I believe that their are other ways, that is where I need the help.

I appreciate everyone's input and advice. THANK YOU!!

I was curious about the birth order thing because my son with the temper is also my middle child. My cousin wrote a whole book on birth order and how to deal with the different personality traits, but nothing in there helped me. He was never a problem until he found out the baby was going to be a boy like him. I don't know if being between two girls would have made any difference but that was really our turning point into this temperamental behavior.

My own son has ADHD, and I've done a lot of research on the topic. All children with ADD/ADHD do not have bad tempers. Children with ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) are more likely to have the problem, and as I mentioned earlier, conditions like bipolar often result in children displaying tantrums and other angry outbursts. Please read "The Explosive Child" book.

i am having the same problem with my son and he is 8 years old and i am to the point im not sure wat to do anymore ,,,,so i understand wat u are saying ,,and when he has problem with kid at school he just want to fight like putting hands on and i teach him to tell teacher but he dont ...have goodday and hope we can help them

alvera, have you mentioned your son's behavior to his pediatrician? It sounds like you are trying your best to teach him, but if he's not listening to you, then it might be good to ask his regular doctor for a referral to a child psychologist ~ they're professionals who might be able to help. I am concerned that your son is always putting his hands on people and wanting to fight. If he doesn't learn better ways to deal with his emotions when he is young, it will be much harder when he is physically bigger and stronger. (My teen got punched by another boy, and the other boy ended up going to court/jail.)

Consider this, at 8 or 9 years of age a child has spent less than a decade on the earth. The reality he understands about the world is what has been created by the adults in his life. Moving past the natural response of crying/yelling for what he wants as an infant to asking for what he needs as a pre-teen requires coaching from a parent, teacher or coach. Consider modeling the behaviors you are looking for, acknowledging his effort toward patience and ignoring those behaviors that don't match what you expect.

Best,

Joe Bruzzese

Do think of using reward system. It works for some children. The reward needs to be consistent and immediate. For example, reward for negative behavior by taking away TV time and reward for a positive behavior by giving extra computer time.

I think at this age your child knows right from wrong and he needs constant reminder of how the society works around accepted behavior.

Teach him how to cook, wash a car, join team sport, or karate and importantly let him learn how to wait for things.

Good luck!

Wonderful contributions! I'm in agreement that rewarding children does solve the motivation problem. A few points to add, connecting consequences with actions helps a child understand how the world works. Thus, the child who won't clean up his dirty clothes soon finds out he doesn't have any clean clothes to wear. The child who acts in a respectful way receives the same level of respect in return. When the punishment doesn't match up with the choice a child has made the child learns a critical lesson, "When someone does something I don't like I get to penalize them when I'm in a position of authority."

Regards,
Joe Bruzzese

JoeBruzzese, do you have any children of your own? Do any of them have diagnosed special education issues? I agree with many of the things you say, but not all. For example, in the case of your earlier post, you mentioned, "Consider modeling the behaviors you are looking for, acknowledging his effort toward patience and ignoring those behaviors that don't match what you expect." It's one thing to talk about motivation, but when you have posters like alvera and mommyof_3 whose children have tempers and are physically touching or fighting with others, you can't simply ignore those behaviors. I doubt those parents model hitting to begin with, and for some children, they really need professional intervention and/or treatment. I think it's misleading to say that a reward system will solve serious problems...

Thanks for jumping in. I'm always up for a good discussion. Indeed I have 2 of my own ages 8 and 10. My posts were directed toward the original posting by, "anonymous" who didn't seem to indicate a medical diagnosis or any evidence suggesting a learning disability. As I am not a special education teacher, pediatrician or child psychologist I don't feel qualified to address questions or concerns from parents who have children with a medical or clinical diagnosis. My experience and knowledge base is drawn from the past 20 years of teaching, coaching and one on one work with families. Thanks for sharing your expertise in this area.

Best,
Joe Bruzzese

Admittedly, one of the problems with allowing "Anonymous" posts is that it's difficult to track who is asking the question...
In this case, from following the "chain" of responses, I believe MommyOf_3 is the original poster, and she's mentioned that her son's angry behavior scares her. They've already tried some therapy sessions, and she's trying to figure out what else besides medication might help.
Alvera is a different poster, whose son also exhibits problems that involve finding better ways to manage anger.
I believe modeling good behavior and using reward systems can be effective for "neurotypical" children, but when you're dealing with kids who have complex issues, the answers, unfortunately, aren't as simple.

There is a good possibility he has Bipolar Disorder or Oppositional Defiance Disorder. He even might have ADD/ADHD!

Talk to his Family Doctor and ask what could/should be done to help him with his anger issues. Therapy and/or medication are always possibilites.

Our sons have ADHD both have been prescribed Daytrana - Patch system. The younger (10yr old 4th grader) uses it daily. Older son (almost 15 - 9th grade) says "It don't work"! That's probably because it focus' his attention to where it's suppose to be - ON TASK! Younger son NOTICES a HUGE difference when he takes it.

It tooks us MONTHS to FINALLY decide on Daytrana. WE chose it because of it's ease - NO pills = NO fighting! Just peel & stick! It does have an appetite suppressant so we have to make sure he eats before he leaves for school and eats lunch/dinner.

There is a HUGE difference when he is OFF the patch. HE drives you NUTSO in a matter of minutes. Just bouncing off the walls. He also has OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - HE nags until you give in.

Leave no stone unturned. Keep asking questions and getting the answers you want, need AND require! Research every aspect of what is going on with your son! Be vigilant in your quest/search for answers.

Good Luck.

Jennifersuem, it's always a good idea to try and read previous responses in a discussion, to see what other people have suggested, and to see what additional information has been provided by the original poster. Earlier in this discussion, Mommyof_3 said that she's taken her son to doctors, and tried therapy, and mdication is the last thing she wants. My son also has ADHD and medication has been helpful, but Mommyof_3 is seeking other options.

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My nine year old son has a bad temper.

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