I think putting emphasis and believing in community is not too idealistic - I think it's realistic. But sadly communities aren't the close knit places they perhaps once were. I live in a small community but opinions vary widely and feelings run strong when it comes to issues like bullying.
I'm not sure that it's schools don't want to be bothered - though I rarely defend schools and I don't want to seem to be doing that now. Someone gets angry every single time a school takes action - Americans are not a quiet, laid-back people - we speak our minds and any action taken by a school is almost always met with angry opposition from somebody. Principals feel d---ed if they do and d---ed if they don't.
Few people these days want schools taking real authority over their children - and I don't mean that as a criticism - it's an observation. Years ago if a principal or teacher called home and reported bad behavior, parents turned with fury on their children (not that that was necessarily the best response) but nowadays let a teacher or principal call home with a report of bad behavior, parents can turn with fury on the teacher or principal.

We've become an even more outspoken society that ever before and - I think - an angry society. So many people live on the edge of anger and a phone call home from school can release a lot of anger on the person making that call.
So schools have been backing off those phone calls. You're a teacher - you've likely noticed the same. And the problem of bullying by teachers to students is one that has long gone unaddressed.

I think - schools aren't communities anymore. Some schools are just too large to be able to feel like a community. And our communities have unravelled in these modern times and schools along with it. I found a much greater sense of community in the charter schools - not that they are perfect places - but they are places that families have actively chosen to have their child at and they are schools that can expel students who don't conform to the school community's rules.

Our experiences as teachers may be different - in mine the educational programs you speak of usually have a surface impact that doesn't last. It's usually delivered in an assembly and the homeroom teachers read something aloud to students in the morning.
I think to rid a school of bullying it needs to be a total change - perhaps a bigger change that any larger school is capable of managing.

I'm too idealistic too - I envision a way of doing school that would have students looking forward to going to school every day - I'd like to see some schools that would work to have a positive tone - be positive in their approach to the school day, be positive - and kind whenver possible - to students and to be optimistic about the future. So many middle and high schools have a rather 'doom and gloom' outlook - they feel almost under siege it seems.

But sadly I'm not too optimistic that any real change is coming soon but I'd Love to be wrong about that.
Much good luck with your endeavors and I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

TeacherParent: Thank you for your apology, and I too, apologize as well. It's a frustrating issue when the school itself doesn't seem to want to be bothered.

I always look toward the bigger picture (an educational program), rather than band-aide affects (time-out) that do not work on the real problem.

It's difficult when you teach your children kindness and respect at home, they learn it in preschool, then when they get to public school, it seems your fighting an uphill battle b/c, unfortunatey, not all homes have kindness and respect. I worry for those kids too. They need to learn those skills in life...somewhere?

I belive in community. And being a part of a community to me is about helping not only my children, but the community of children to grow and prosper into good people.

Maybe i'm too idealic, too optomistic?

As a parent of a daughter who has been a victim of bullying (especially relational aggression) I found TeacherParent's posted stories, opinions, etc. regarding bullying to be right on target. Of particular value is where she points out, "For a school to be bully free, the school must create a culture of healthy respect and of peaceful respect and it must begin at the top." My daughter's middle school has an anti-bullying policy in place and also brings in a speaker who runs an anti-bullying program. That alone is not enough. The policy needs to be enforced by the school consistently, and the program needs to be embraced by all the students. Needless to say, bullying still goes on. Without all factions (administrators, teachers, staff, parents and children) on board, the school climate will not change. The more people that you can get involved, the better your chances of making changes will be.

Absolutely. Of course a concerned parent should be able to raise their voice in their child's school and that you have people on the School Board who are getting together with you to work on the issue sounds interesting and likely promising.
I misread your post - many many apologies. I didn't realize you were looking for stories of specific bullying from other schools - I'm sure such stories sadly abound. I thought somehow it was possible solutions or other experiences with bullying at the school level that was asked for.
Again, many apologies. The stories I have of bullying would involve students at my school and I would hesitate to share them as they are other people's children, not mine, but sadly as I said - my school too became a school where bullying started to happen. I can say it causes depression in the child who's bullied even when the bullying is only emotional and not physical but I'm sure others have said the same before me.
I still like The Peaceable Classroom and her ideas on teaching kindness but it's true she never intended that program to be fun. I will keep my eye out for a fun anti-bullying program. Much good luck with your good work on this serious issue.

TeacherParent: I'm not talking about bullying the schools or kids into not bullying, obviously that is stupid. I am a former teacher, and I am talking about a positive fun educational plan to help children learn appropriate freindship skills, and personal skills that enable them to feel good about speaking up for themsleves. I do this at home with my kids through games and acitivites that teach personal safety and awareness, and my kids (and their freinds) enjoy it. I have been encouraged by other parents to continue with this positive approach.

I am not talking about Teachers bullying students. That is another issue. Any teacher who bullies students in any way should not be there! I am talking about the teachers who also want to help children with personal skills that bullying affect.

And, yes, I do know that bullying is affected by home life, that i have no control over. I would love to be able to help these children who's home life isn't good, but i have to believe in the system of social workers and psycohogists, that are in place to work toward these efforts.

And yes, teachers (all adults) are role models, either in a posivite or negative way. There are many good teachers out there that are wanting to do more to help bully prevention, but unfortunately, a lot of them are overworked as it is, so why not a concerned parent who has an education background try to come to some positive ways to deal with school violence.

And by the way. My child was being punched, knocked down, and taunted by another child (who was doing it to others as well), and after several frustrating meetings with the teacher and principal...who did absolutely nothing about it (and told us this), AND told us their "policy" was to send both the child who hit, AND the child who told to time out..."so that they learn to work it out by themselves", and that if our child retaliates, than OUR child would be suspended! So, i happen to know some "higher ups" on the education board, and they welcomed getting together to work on this issue.

Have read the book, along with about 50 others already.

I've read on this very site SO MANY stories of frustrated parents and grandparents who have/are dealing with bullying, I want to hear there stories...how it affects their kids, their home life, and them...statistics don't tell that story.

I've thought about your post all morning and my response to it which as often happens was overlong. But missed the most important point so briefly said, let me say - you can't bully children into not bullying. Most school policies I've seen on bullying are bullying in tone and temper and intention.
Bullying children to get them to stop bullying doesn't work. Why? The least reason is it sends the wrong message and models the wrong behavior for them but both are true. The greater reason is that bullies bully for a reason and that reason is their own Major Issues. Some few children are truly demented - most bullies have been bullied in their life - by life, by their parents, whatever or whoever has bullied them most bullies on the inside are very scarred if not scared children. Bullying them into not bullying looks past the reasons they're bullying.
Your post mentioned 'teaching them kindness' - how wonderful it was to read that. Few posts or few thoughts on bullying do. And you're right- it's not just about stopping them from bullying - it's also about teaching them another way to be.
But first - to get a bully to think about the needs of the people being bullied - someone has also got to think about the needs the bully is meeting by bullying.

I should have just said - we can't bully children into not bullying. Teachers especially older ones give especially long answers when the question is such a good one.

I once worked in a bully free school and then watched it change. At first, it was a smaller school where the articulated philosophy was that the school should be a community - teachers a part of that community - and there was a warm relationship between teachers and students. It was not a school of harsh words or harsh punishments and everything worked well. Children are children are of course and they had their disagreements but there was no bullying.
And then - the school over the course of three years doubled in size and there was no planning around that - it just was allowed to happen. New faculty were quickly hired and without thought as to whether they would support the old philosophy and they didn't. They embraced the older practices of harsh words, harsh punishments and put up the traditional walls between teacher and students. Where the school had once been a place of 'let's talk about that' and 'let's work that out together', and 'let me give you some good reasons for why I do it this way' it became more of a place where the message was 'I'm the teacher, you're the student, do what I say without question.'

That is a kind of bullying - let's understand that. Questions respectfully put should always be allowed otherwise it's an abuse of power and an abuse of power is bullying. And so, not surprisingly, bullying started to raise its head among the students for the very first time. Where did our students learn this from??

Teachers were modeling the behavior for them. Teachers should be the first people in any school community who do the right thing, not the wrong thing. Teachers should be modeling the behavior they expect from students.
If we don't want students to be abusive toward each other, then NO teacher should be abusive. If we want students to resolve the differences through discussion,then Every teacher should be doing that too. If we want students to believe there are good reason to go through the school day smiling and happy, teachers should be going through their day happy and smiling and setting the right tone and example for students.
Students who live in fear of teachers will leave the classroom and go out into the halls and spread more fear. Unhappy students will model their unhappy teachers. Unhappy students will take out their unhappiness on smaller, weaker students just as some teachers will pick on certain students.

For a school to be bully free, the school must create a culture of healthy respect and of peaceful respect and it must begin at the top. Most schools have a 'do as I say but not as I do' approach to bullying and that approach will never work. No matter how many 'no tolerance for bullies' signs that get put up at a school, if Mrs. Smith is bullying the students in her classroom, those students will ignore the sign and imitate Mrs. Smith's bullying.
It's very easy for adults to complain about student bullying but most look the other way when it's a teacher(s) doing the bullying - including the other teachers.
As you asked for stories, here's one. I counseled a new student to our school who spoke inappropriately to another "We don't do that here. I know at your old school that might be have done. But here we want to have a good school day every day. Your parents don't send you to school each day to be unhappy and his parents don't send him to school each day to be unhappy. They send you here to be safe and that's all our job here. We keep each other safe in our school though we live in pretty interesting and sometimes unsafe times. Yet you can come here each day knowing you'll be safe here - and so - cut it out. Whatever's making you speak that way to him, figure it out, talk to me about it, if you need help making friends, I'm here to help with that but We Do Not Speak That Way Here. I don't speak that way to you - why would you think it's ok?"

"Mrs. Smith does it."

What do I say to that?? Mrs. Smith does indeed do it and she makes children feel so awful that when they leave her classroom, they like to want to kick a dog - you're so mad and sad when you leave that room.

Fortunately, I could ask my new and bullying student - do you want to live in a world the tone of which is set by Mrs. Smith??

But you get my point and you likely get the tone of teacher bullying when you try to make contact with some of your children's teachers. When they don't return phone calls or when they essentially say to you "I'm the teacher, I make the rules and you and your child better follow them, Mrs. Jones."

That is bullying. She may not be shoving you into a locker physically but she is running roughshod over your emotions as a parent. She is not open to discussion, she is not treating you as as equal partner, and she's usually on the edge if not over the edge of rude. She's cold and she lets you know that she's the one in power.

Principals will barely hear you out when you talk about the students' bullying. An old but interesting book on the subject is The Peaceable Classroom written by a teacher who asked herself "what am I doing in each day in this classroom if I can't create some sense of peace in this room? If we can't all get along in here in this room, how can we get along out in the world?"

It's worth a read. Much good luck with your project.

There is a Greatschools Group dedicated to Prevention of School Violence and Bullying, and I think you'll get a better response by posting there: community.greatschools.net/groups/11560