Hi Jean. Sounds like a situation I had in my marriage with my ex wife. She had a 5 year old when we got together. I was with her for 7 years, so I got to experience the beginning stages of the tween years.

I can say this... My step-daughter pushed me to the limits. Tested me. I was too harsh, and in turn, my wife got angry and upset. We had a talk about it. She asked me why I was so strict. I had to tell her that it was because she was too lenient. She let my step-daughter do pretty much anything she wanted without consequence, so I had to make up the difference... or at least I felt like I had to do it...

In the end, we had 2 kids... and a divorce... now, my sons live with her... my (now ex-) step-daughter is now 19 years old. She dropped out of school when she was about 14 to be "homeschooled"... which my ex says happened, but my boys tell me differently.

We separated because of the discipline issues we had. She still lets the kids do pretty much anything they want... the good thing is, I still monitor what my boys (who are 13 and 7) do. I tell them what they should be doing if they need it. I tell them what they should not be doing when they need it, too. My ex-wife resents me for it. She thinks that I'm telling my boys that she's a bad mother by "undermining her authority" as a mother... but she's wrong. I'm just trying to let my boys know that just because their sister got to do certain things at their age, it's not ok for them to do it.

If that makes me wrong, then I'll be wrong until they are grown and married...

Just my 2 cents worth.

i wanted to homeschool my daughter and my husband said to send her to school and let her try it and if she did like it we would then homeschool her for her middleschool year and then we would put in high school to finish her schooling so i put her in school not wanting to put she got their and she loves it

Thanks. We are working together. We have discussed this and have agreed that some areas are better handled by me and I will come to him when I need assistance or advice or for him to interfere in other areas. Some situations, I would prefer him to handle without me but I was specific. My fault. Thanks for the advice.

Thanks. Thats all good advice. I asked him to tell her "No" more often but there has to be some thought put into each situation first. We can't just say "no" to everything just to say it. I want us to discuss it first and if we dont agree, then he will have to trust me. Its doing it in front of me & catching me off guard that is so hard to deal with. We will discuss these suggestions & try a different plan. Thanks everyone.

talk to him and LET him Know that anything to do with discipline or rules need to be mutually agreed on and even have your daughter sit down and ask her how she feels about these rules? " are they way off? "
if your new husband gets offended to bad. it seems he is insecure for whatever reason I know that is a big leap to say that. but working together is the best plan for now and the future

When anyone is thrust into parenthood for the first time, they have to learn how to "navigate." With a baby, you all learn about one another together. Your new husband is in uncharted territory compared to the relationship you and your daughter had, but he may genuinely be trying his best to set clear limits, because adolescents are notorious for "pushing limits" regardless. For many teens, if you don't have limits, they'll really take advantage of you. There's a book by Anthony Wolf that is highly recommended for all parents of adolescents, and it's called "Get out of my life: But first can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?" Perhaps you and your husband can read it together, and discuss your parenting views with a professional counselor if you still have major differences of opinion.
community.greatschools.net/q-and-a/272281/Does-anyone-have-an-amazing-cant-miss-it-book-to-recommend-on-parenting-teenagers?

You should speak with your new husband about this. Maybe you could come to an agreement that you both discuss the issue together before giving your daughter an answer. There is always family counseling. Best of luck to you. If you do not do something your daughter will start to resent your new husband and you may as well.