There is a program online called the Total Transformation that deals directly with this sort of thing. Here is a sample of what they put out in their newsletter ( www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Your-Kids-Backtalk.php ) Without trying to sound too infomercial-y, I'm going to share a point from it. The founder of the program takes it to an extreme, but his basis is sound. We've all heard the conventional wisdom that children like the safety that rules bring, even if they at times appear to want to break them. What they are really doing is testing the rule to see if it can be broken. Now I know you're thinking, 'Of course it can be broken, that is why I'm wrote that post.' That use of the term 'broken' is not what I'm referring to. I'm referring to the fact that rules automatically have a consequence attached to them. You commit a crime, you do the time, etc.

Kids are testing to see if they commit a crime (go against a rule rule), will they have to do the time(have to deal with the consequence). If they can break or separate the rule from the consequence, then it provides no safety for them. The safety for kids comes in knowing that if someone else does the crime, you as the parent will make sure that person does the time as well. If you won't model the behavior that you are willing to maintain justice even when it has to deal with them, they can have no confidence that you would do the same to protect them if someone else made them the victim.

From this standpoint, it becomes more important that you ensure that make the consequences stick and be consistent at it. The children may not always understand why something is wrong but they can certainly understand that if they commit a crime, there will be a consequence. While this idea may fly contrary to newer schools of thought in that some people argue that you have to make the kids understand before they can listen, it really is the way of common sense. Think about it, if your job says a certain behavior or dress is not allowed and breaking the rule can result in termination, do you really need to 'understand' why before you follow that rule? No. Unless, it is for a religious or medical reason, you won't even think of questioning the rule. Likewise in your home, your child doesn't have to understand why you make that rule, just what the rule is and what will happen if the rule is not followed. Later, when the situation is not tense, you can explain the why's and whatfor's if you'd like.

Now I know what I said may have stepped on a few toes, but just remember this: Bad behavior rarely results in better feelings, but good behavior, even if a little forced, can result in better moments between family members, which in turn is sure to improve the overall mood. And with everyone in a better mood, there is a better chance that the may actually listen when you later decide to bring up that 'Why' discussion.

i have a preteen and i know when i say things to her she heres me but she dont listen.they go through this stage where they drown out what their parents say to them.and they think we were never their age once. my girl always says well how would you know mom your 31,i say i wasnt always 31 iwas your age once.i hope this was helpful.

They hear you, but have chosen not to do as you ask, because there are no consequences to their actions. Yelling doesn't have an effect on them, because your level of frustration means little to them. Next time, calmly tell them what you want done. Should they choose not to do what you asked, take privileges away, such as phone use, computer time. For example, if they're on the computer and you ask them to do something and they ignore you, turn the computer off, unplug it, whatever you need to do. No explanations, no yelling, no frustration on your part. Of course they'll balk, but those are the consequences.