Hey,,, I don't know if I can help you or not! I am actually going through a similar problem! I have a daughter in the ninth grade also. She hates her school! She's in a charter school that is awesome academically but has absolutely nothing to offer outside of that! No sports, friday night games... Nothing! So she feels that she is missing out, and I sympathize with her! But... we don't live in a the greatest area for public schools! So I'm screwed! Her dad doesn't help out financially and that leaves me stuck. I want her to have the best HS experience but theres only so much I can do alone. I feel for you!!! It's so tough seeing your kids go through this.

ybugster...hang in there...it seemed as if when all of my step-children turned 18 & 19 yrs of age (or even when they had their own children), they realized that we were doing what we felt was best for them because we loved them. It seems like you are going through what we did with our daughter, and her two, younger, brothers, with " THE PLAY-BETWEEN -THE PARENTS-BIT. " Continue to be the PARENT, in your daughter's life, and allow her mother to "play" the friend role. Eventually, your ex will be coming to you when she cannot handle her, and then, try everything you can to work with your ex to come up with a plan to help your daughter. IT WILL HAPPEN, TRUST ME!!! ***It's just hard not to want to shove the "I told you so" in your ex's face. DON'T...it did not help us with our daughter.

Have you tried to contact your daughter's school and arrange a meeting with her counselor? Discuss your issue with them? We had my step-children, thur-sun., the school had agreed to keep us fully informed on their work missed each week, and etc. (Our lawyer did say that as a parent, even the non-custodial parent, has a right to see school related issues, and be informed of what school issues that you have. We even had to have our lawyer write my husband's ex., to stop her from trying to get the school to stop informing their father of their children's progress, reports, discipline issues, and missed assignments. Sad, isn't it that a parent would be so hell-bent on power, that they could care less if what the other parent was doing is to encourage the children to do better in school? AND WORKING!!!)
We DID EXPECT THEM TO COMPLETE THE MISSED WORK OVER THE WEEKENDS, WHEN AT OUR HOME. After a while, each one of the children were actually turning in their work, that they, BEFORE, were not doing, when at their mother's home. While you may not be able to control what she is doing while at her mother's home, YOU DO CONTROL WHAT IT IS THAT SHE WILL DO AT YOUR HOME!!! JUST DON'T MAKE IT ALL WORK AND NO PLAY FOR HER, THOUGH! hOWEVER, STICK TO YOUR "GUNS" FOR THE FIRST FEW WEEKS IN MAKING YOUR DAUGHTER REALIZE THAT IF SHE CHOOSES NOT TO COMPLETE THAT ASSIGNMENT FOR eng/MATH/ETC., SHE'LL JUST HAVE TO SPEND IT DOING AT YOUR HOME OVER THAT WEEKEND, ANYWAY! SHE WILL GET THIS, TRUST ME.
Our children, started to realize that their school work would be done, regardless, of how "friend-mom" let them slide on weekly, and once their grades began to rise, so did their willingness to become responsible in completing their own work on their own, and THEY ACTUALLY wanted to. Sometimes, you will see as we did, that after some children decide to "skip-out" on their homework, they become so far behind, that even if they chose to start doing homework, they cannot, because they do not understand it at that point. (We did set up after-school tutoring ON OUR SCHEDULED DAYS WITH THE KIDS, THROUGH THEIR SCHOOL!! ***Their mother told the school when they had contacted her that she would not allow it on her days!!! (Means=she didn't want to stop whatever it was she had planned to help her children, and mess=up her own schedule for.) If you get complaints from her mother?...tell HER to cancel the needed tutoring or contact DFS to see if what you are doing for your daughter is abusive, since she is not willing to take the steps in helping her.... it will stop your ex, TRUST ME!!!)
HOWEVER, TRY NOT TO OVER LOAD YOUR DAUGHTER ALL WEEKEND WITH HER MISSED WORK, AND EVEN INVOLVE YOURSELF, AT FIRST, SOME WORK DONE, IS MORE THAN WHAT SHE HAD BEEN DOING, RIGHT?
I FOUND, WITH THE TWO YOUNGER STEP SONS, THAT HAVING THEIR FRIENDS OVER TO SPEND TIME DOING HOMEWORK TOGETHER (projects....papers...etc.) It did let them have fun, while doing their homework, and when their homework was finished...they had their friends over to visit. (We would allow them to go places...movies...mall...shopping...etc., as a reward.) It did seem as if this tactic worked best when the boys were around your daughters age. (Younger...they take all day giggling to get the work done..lol..but it does get done...lol) Your daughter may respond to this, if you first involve yourself in talking with the school and seeing if you can have them pull together her work weekly that she is missing, for you. ***mIGHT WANT TO RUN THIS BY YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST!! Trust me, you won't have to tell her mother...your daughter will tell her!!! (remember, even if your daughter loves you dearly...she is playing the go-between game with you and her mother. SHE WILL TELL HER MOTHER OF THIS PLAN, YOU WILL GET A PRETTY NASTY CALL FROM YOUR EX, prob. on the night she returns home to her mom, as we did...IF SHE IS LIKE MY HUSBAND'S EX...stay firm with ex on the issue at hand, your daughters grades, and tell her that you want to work with her on improving her grades. Ask her what she thinks about getting tutoring through your daughters school, after school? If your ex doesn't want to do this and says she can't, tell her that you will offer to pick your daughter up every day from this and bring her home, if this will help. Do what you have to to make the situation seem as if you are not the ONE coming up with the tutoring idea, to begin with (be ready to be told when and how and why are are to do all of this, just to get the ex to agree to your idea...works for power-trippers...lol) IF this does not work, tell her that you will still expect your daughter to complete the homework, when she is in your custody at YOUR HOME, to make up for what she isn't doing with her, and stick to it.

It sounds to me that you must have been married to my husband's ex...lol Just be ready for her to be ticked at you for this.! It will show her that YOU CAN TRY TO HAVE SOME SORT OF ROLE IN YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE, OTHER THAN PAYING THE SUPPORT...prob. the insur coverage too... IF YOUR EX BALKS ABOUT IT REALIZE YOU ARE PLAYING WITH A POWER-WIELDING TYPE OF MOTHER, WHO IS NOT THINKING PAST HER OWN POWER-TRIP, TO SEE THAT YOUR DAUGHTER NEEDS HELP. Tell your ex to put aside her issues and realize that both of you do not want your daughter to go down the road we did. The drug use...juvenile hall...dropping out of school... Maybe you will have the ex-wife who can do this, as we did not. If you aren't that lucky, you do control the time that your daughter is in your custody, use that time wisely with her.

Then just be there for her. Boost her self-esteem. Talk some about college or career. but mostly enjoy the time you have with her.

Thanks for all your suggestions, but I've tried all these steps with no results. My daughter wants to stay with her mom, I think partly because she can do whatever she wants to do. Thanks again.

My husband and I went down this same path with our only daughter, (my step-daughter). Her mother held PRIMARY GUARDIANSHIP, OF HER AND HER TWO BROTHERS, while my husband and I had the kids 4-5 days of the week!!! (She was even paid child support for this and we covered the medical/dental insur. on them....great life for the ex, huh?...we just wanted the kids and didn't care about all the rest, until this instance came up.) You cannot enroll this child into any school, as we tried without their mother's approval!!! I do know this,as you were told, it is best try and deal with the mother, and try to make sure that they are involved (in our case...she had to be the one in control...while we were to merely pay for the private school...counseling...etc....BUT YOUR DAUGHTER IS WORTH, BITING THE BULLET, SO TO SAY, ISN'T SHE?)
I know where you are coming from and do hope your ex is not using your daughter as a pawn to use against you as we had. We had set her up for private counseling....mother stopped this....we suspected she was having sex...set her up for dr.'s appt....mother stopped this, picked her up from school that day and cancelled appt. claimed she was not sexually active, yet, WAS, WHEN MY HUSBAND DID END UP TAKING HER TO THE DR. LATER THAT MONTH....school wanted her drug tested, called us because the ex would never call the school back...we set up drug test....our daughter, ended up AGAIN, PICKED UP BY HER MOTHER AND DID NOT COME TO OUR HOUSE AFTER SCHOOL THAT WEEK AND ON.... My husband's ex called us and said that our daughter would not be returning to our home, unless we follow her guidelines...I finally had enough and told her that she needed to keep her at her home, if chose to go by HER BOOK, ALONE. My husband is her father and is only doing what is needed. Our daughter stopped coming to our home, and it did upset us, but for us to have the children 4-5 days weekly and even told that we were not allowed to try to get counseling for our daughter when she needed help, was something we had to stick to. Six months later, our daughter was arrested and placed in the custody of the juvenile system...she stole checks of her mothers and wrote $3000 worth of bogus checks, and was turned over by her mother....my husband's ex called us then, to see if we could just pay the $3000+ owed and get her out of trouble. We chose not to, and it was because we knew her mother still denied the fact that the child needed help, and drug testing that she hadn't had. The juvenile authority did have her for 1 yr. She was drug tested and found to be using meth...mariuana...and more!!! ONLY THEN, DID OUR DAUGHTER GET THE HELP THAT SHE NEEDED. She is 22 yrs. old now, drug free...a retail manager....engaged, and owns her first new car and home. She sees us regularily and thanks her dad and I for sticking to it for her...she claims that she would not have been able to have tackled her addictions without the assistance of the juvenile system. We DID ATTEMPT TO GAIN FULL CUSTODY OF HER COUNTLESS TIMES, BUT AS YOU WILL SEE, NOW, YOUR DAUGHTER HAS HER CHOICE AND SAY...our kids knew that their mother made it very clear that if they were to choose their father and I, she would be very mad at them. We never played that head game with the children. There were mant times that my husband would see the kids in town with their mother, and they weren't even able to say "hi" when with her!!! DO THE COURTS TAKE THIS INTO ACCOUNT, NO!!!
I am sorry to have seemed to rattle off, but I do feel for you. I do hope you have an ex that you can work with for your daughter's sake. Going to court to try to gain custody as we did many of times will not help you, as long as your daughter is fed and housed....my daughter was failing too as a freshman...her two brother were as well...BUT EVEN WITH THE SCHOOL STANDING UP FOR US AND STATING THAT ALL PARENTAL ISSUE WERE ALWAYS HANDLED BY US ANDETC., YOUR DAUGHTER IS OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A SAY IN WHERE SHE RESIDES, AND IT IS VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PROVE THE OTHER PARENT IS NOT A FIT PARENT, UNLESS THERE IS REPORTED DFS ABUSE REPORTS, AND ETC. So, do try to look into the possibilities with your ex as a partnership (or as your ex's idea if it will help your daughter, as we tried) You want what's best for your daughter and I do hope you two will be able to do that for her, and not end up as we had. It was heartbreaking to go through for all of us, even if it was for the best or had a good outcome.

You do not need to be the custodial parent to enroll her somewhere else or to check out the situation she is in now. Just have her birth certificate, SS# card and whatever shot records she has(in some states that is not needed) and make sure she can get there and back after school. I am sure your ex- would love it, but then again some still use the child to get back at the ex- I hope this is not the case. and or Just do it and have her live with you and see where the chips may fall.
I do not know your circumstances so just use this as options.

Of course education is a top priority so it's best to get involved. Try suggesting to her mother to enroll her in a regular high school where she can slowly rack up credits to graduate. Getting a passing grade, 'C' is quite easy if she turns in her homework and participates in class.

I could tell you hand in their no matter what, if she's not doing good in school find her a program somewhere. Go to the comm. college, they really have great programs for kids not yet out of hs. School on line? doesn't sound like it for her. Maybe try to see if you could get her to live with you. Maybe she would do much better with you. Depending on what her mother would say, some mother's would rather get back at their husbands than to think on what they are doing to their daughters. You just won't know until you try. It is so hard now trying to keep them in school especially at 16 years old. don't give up....best wishes

Does she struggle due to a learning difficulty? Depression? Does she struggle to fit in?
Please check out Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls (Ballantine Reader's Circle): Mary Pipher: Books.
I'm reading it again and it is so insightful.