How can I get my daughter to be respectful?

My fifth-grader has gotten so she talks back and makes smart or sarcastic remarks whenever asked to do anything. It is so hard to ask her to do anything, knowing there will be an argument to get her to do it without any mouthing and asking over and over.

Answer From Our Expert

DebraCollins August 13, 2008

A fifth-grader may enjoy being one of the oldest kids in their school, at the same time fearing becoming the youngest in middle school. It could be she is trying on new roles at home where it is "safer to act out."

Sarcasm is a way that people show their annoyance, anger or frustration, and their comments often have an intended victim. Since you only mention that this behavior is happening at home and with you, I suspect you are getting the brunt of her "growing pains."

This would be a good time to review if your relationship is changing to reflect her desire for more independence and input. Have her participate in a new list of responsibilities and expectations that you have of one another. Her sarcasm could be her way of telling you that you that she wants a more age-appropriate relationship with you.

It is important to model good communication skills. Examine if your family is more prone to using indirect communication such as humor, sarcasm, or silence. Some use is not harmful, but it sounds like you and your daughter are not feeling respected. Working together to be more empathic and clear and direct might allow both of you an opportunity to better understand one another.

Children and teens get a steady diet of media depicting sarcasm as a common communication style. It is not unusual to hear children using sarcasm regularly with both adults and their peers. It would be useful to explore with your daughter how this might be affecting her relationships and help her to become more discerning.

It is easier to not resort to lecturing or nagging if you remain open and curious about what your daughter is attempting to convey. You might also want to suggest that the teacher have a classroom discussion on sarcasm and its impact on others.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.

Parent Answers to "How can I get my daughter to be respectful?"

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Yes, it's true, parents have to examine their own interactions in the household and make sure they are practicing what they preach. However, don't be afraid to be firm. The other day in the store I saw a child not more than 8 years old DEMANDING this and that from her mom. I couldn't believe how incredibly spoiled and disrespectful she was being to her mother. But the mother didn't do anything and instead just went on trying to reason and please her (there's no way that my mom would've been smiling at me if I had spoken to her that way)! It's important to set boundaries and let kids know when something is not ok. I would've just said, "It is NOT ok. to talk to me or anybody else like that. I understand that you are upset about X, but there are better ways of expressing it. Would you like to try again or do we need to leave?" I think the point is to be able to let them know right away of what is and isn't acceptable behavior, acknowledge their feeling or situation and that you're willingness to talk about it if they want, but not without an apology and change in attitude. It needn't be a long drawn-out lecture, or cause a scene (in fact it's probably more effective to keep it concise and said in a calm, quiet and firm voice), but as a previous poster said, "NIP IT IN THE BUD" when it happens.

@RyBray no it is not just you and yes, it is very frustrating. It sounds like your issue may have a sibling component as well. Their age difference can really create some jealous feelings and if there are other more complicated family dynamics (i.e., blended family, half- sibs, etc.) that may complicate the picture.

I still think regardless of a family's unique characteristics, modeling appropriate communication in the home is key and secondly intervening when you hear his peer to peer conversations can also be helpful. In other words, you won't be able to manage how he talks with his peers outside of the home but can enforce how you want people to talk with each in your home.

It is now an unfortunate communication style with tweens and teens to use either fowl language or as you stated, "mean" interactions, but that does not mean that you still don't have tremendous influence on your child. Be curious and ask him about it without coming down too hard at first and see what you might learn from how or what he attempting to communicate

I'm glad it's not just us. I too have a 5th Grader that we are having issues with. Along these lines, but different. I don't know if I could call it disrespect or just plain meaness. My 5th Grader can't say anything without ending it in an insult. Example, "You spilled the milk, idiot." Unfortunately, it's mostly directed at my 5-year-old son, and now he is doing it too! "I can't tie my shoe, dummy!" It's very frustrating, and I don't understand it.

Limit testing and media examples aside, as most parents agreed here; being firm is important.
However, looking at your own behavior and how you communicate and show respect in your relationship with your child can best determine how your child will build relationships with others.

Great your have the view of an expert. The children of today are different from children of twenty years ago. Respect is two way streets and be creative and remain calm.

You may want to have a series of discussion with your daughter and other members of your family. You are not alone, teens around this age behave in a "similar" way.

Discuss with your child your role as a parents and her role as a child. Stress the benefit of respecting parents and authority figure such as teacher, pastors, police offices, and coaches. The truth is children who do not respect their parents find it very difficult to be a good citizen in the society. The other way, these children are more likely to be in often conflict with parents, teachers, and friends.

My suggestion is create ways you daughter can make decisions for herself and assign her household responsibility, for example, doing her laundry and preparing a simple dinner, or taking bus to school ( if she is not doing that now).
My daughter just turned 8, in Fourth grade and I am taking a lesson for her teen years.

Best school year for you and your daughter!

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