My preschooler expelled for hitting

justjeffrey37 said "a mother who puts the time and effort into listening to understand their children, will teach the child how to respect by example." Respect is to listen to understand based on the person who you are listening to." For some really good reading that teaches us the authentic and most effective ways of teaching respect to children by respecting them you can check out these books:
How to Really Love Your Child (a Christian book written by a man). Connection Parenting by Pam Leo also on audio CD. A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg (perhaps THE best book on listening empathically to every person you relate to in life and many other authors have based many of their ideas on this great man's work. His ideas are working around the world.) Raising Our Children Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort at AuthenticParent.com (she has a wonderful S.A.L.V.E. formula and studying her work, talking with her, etc. with her will help you learn to to really Validate children and become in tune with what's really going on for your child--why he opposes you, etc.) Naomi pulls it all together for parents who wish to really do their own inner work to create a truly peaceful home. Finally, learn to interrupt or put a pause between what happens to you and your reactions to any situation or person. By learning to see your own thoughts as they are, perceive what is truth rather than just your own limited view of it, try reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Learning from all these resources has been a benchmark turning point for me in my life, at age 34, as a parent of a toddler and a preschooler. I didn't know what was wrong before (I thought it was always everyone else), but now I look forward to a lifetime of inner peace about reality, and being able to pass onto my children the knowledge that helps them to bypass the drama created by the average person. Everyone understands words differently, but the bottom line is that our stress is not created by our experiences, but by what we think about them. Until I learned to interrupt the storyteller inside my own mind, I thought I was always the "right" one. Awareness of mind/thoughts from our true consciousness is the only way to begin to discern. It's not rocket science, though it just takes a real desire to pursue our own awakening. May the peace spread and move throughout human society. Let it begin with you. (And, now you will think of an excuse not to respond to this post, because your ego (your total collected thoughts about your past and who you are) doesn't want to be exposed--let it be exposed by your awareness of it.) Peace to you all.

People, especially children learn by example...if hitting is a way people use to control your child, then he may try to get control the same way or a different way, but the attempt to gain control with fear may be the understanding your child gained. (by control I mean respect or to get people to listen to understand him.)...I think that we are seeing more of this type of behavior, because today's child is less afraid than previous generations...I think this lack of fear can and will be a good thing, when society learns to help people control themselves with understanding...A great man once said "Peace cannot be kept by fear and can only be achieved through understanding." Albert Einstein...The reason is, that not all people fear, but in the absence of fear we all do what we understand...I worked with youth for many years, and many parents would say "my child would never do that." and I would ask to finish there statement and say "with you present, but in the absence of fear of your reaction, your child does as he understands and this behavior is a result of your child's motivation derived from there understanding...The good news is, that once you see your child's vision or understandings you may learn from them and also be able to add some understandings, that would effect your child's vision
(grouped understandings), motives and actions with you present and when you are not present...My wife once asked me what the best trait a mother could have, " I told her that a mother who puts the time and effort into listening to understand their children, will teach the child how to respect by example." Respect is to listen to understand based on the person who you are listening to. If I said all objects are black, people may say I am wrong, crazy , racist or depressed (listening to judge me based on what they understand, not respect...The person who says why do you see it that way? very respectful...I would say take away light, everything is black...put light through a prism, you can separate color, contention is all objects are black, color comes from the light...but am I crazy , racist or depressed ?

Try not to feel guilty about your child's behavior and I know that is difficult and easier said than done and I will pray for your confidence in your parenting skills and your insight into your child's behavior. Remember that as your son grows up he will try many behaviors that are unacceptable if he is to be successful in his various relationships, even into adult hood. So, you are doing what every great parent should do, you are taking this as an opportunity to teach correct behavior and to mold him into a responsible adult.

As far as a 2 1/2 year old hitting, my answer is not a psychological one as are many of the responses you received, but I do believe it is worthy of your consideration. In my experience, many of the things our children do are learned through environment. Your son must be spending time outside of daycare/preschool with other people. Observe the way his peers behave and the way the older children and adults around him behave. He may well be practicing their behavior. And, yes, even if this is the case, he must learn that there are consequences. I am very concerned about the level of anger and the maner in which it is expressed in our society. I believe it is the number one cause of most of the violence our society is experiencing. So, most importantly, continue your good parenting quest to teach appropriate behavior.

My granddaughter is a little over 2 years old. Her father is very much into boxing and wrestling (not to bash those sports!). But, he plays very rough with her and every weekend she spends with him she comes home punching us with her fists - hard! Her father also has a 5-year-old stepdaughter and we see her mimicking that child's behavior, including slapping us in the face. All of us respond to both of these behaviors by holding her hands and saying "no, we do not hit" in a very stern voice. It usually takes about 1 1/2 to 2 days to stop this behavior. Then, we have no problem with it until her next visitation weekend. Your son could even have a child in church nursery who behaves this way. It could be neighborhood playmates...possibly of older children or at the local Chuck E. Cheese where he can observe other children's behavior. And, the negative behavior doesn't have to be hitting, it can be yelling, throwing a temper tamtrum. When I go to the door to "yell" to her brother, my granddaughter "yells" to. If my husband is on nightshift and sleeping during the day and she is too loud, I talk very quietly, even in an exaggerated whisper, and she begins to talk very quietly. If the 6 and 7 year old are running through the house, she runs too. So, I take them all outside and tell them to run to their hearts content and when we come back inside, we use our "inside walk". If negative behavior continues, I have the children go to their rooms to play (similar to a time out). Others have encouraged your continued modeling of behavior, as do I, but I would add that it needs to be one-on-one modeling/teaching, done at the time of the negative behavior as 2 year olds have short memories about such things.

As simplistic as this sounds, it works well for us with the 2 year old, as well as the 6 and 7 year olds.

As far as the new school is concerned, I believe it would be a good idea to interview the principal and the teacher about how they handle this and other behavioral development issues. Then, express to them how you handle things at home and that you believe consistency is the most important part of behavior change. Have regular "chats" after school with his teacher about his day and ask if there is anything you should be aware of so that you can reinforce appropriate behavior teaching at home. Teachers have so few parents who involve themselves in this way that they appreciate very much those who do. Your child will receive better attention and training as a result.

And, reaching out to you a little beyond your question, I realize that it may be absolutely impossible for you to cut back to a part-time job at this time or to change your work situation in any way. So please don't misunderstand my comments and please do not feel that I am being judgmental. My daughter is a single mother who works full time with a 2 year old and a 7 year old. My son's fiance is a single mother who must work fulll- time with a 6 year old. They do not have a choice at this point in time. But, I would very much encourage you and your husband, and all other families, to begin making or planning to make changes that might allow you to do so. I don't know what type of work you do, but, if possible, turn it into a work at home situation. Many employers still practice flex hours and job sharing and telecommuting, so check to see if these are possibilities for you. I also worked full-time during all of my children's growing up years and I look back and know that this is the one thing I would change about our lives...they needed me to be at home more than I was...and I was fortunate to have a great deal of flexibility in my jobs. My son had learning disabilities and loads of homework time that was filled with frustration and tears...my boss let me leave at 2:30 to pick him up so that we could have more homework time (my work still got done...I worked through lunch hour and breaks! How great is that! In today's society, it is almost impossible to survive on less than two incomes, but it can be done with some tough changes and it will pay for itself over and over...especially in reducing your guilt about being there with and for them, aka their behavior that might be different "if only" feelings. Reduced guilt and more time equates to better discipline and less stress when dealing with the child's ongoing issues...from homework to carving out fun time to helping with chores to bath time...the list goes on. The three hours in the evening that you have to do all that you have to do and all that the children need to have done are simply not enough! Perhaps a professional could help you develop your goals and a plan to achieve them...I was not able to do this on my own. Again, please do not take this as a criticism, it is definitely not!, or that I presume to know about your life needs, I truly do not. I mention it only if is even a remote possibility.

Our world, our country especially, need more parents like you who invest themselves in training up their children in a right and respectful way!

rachelernst is right. Discipline, compassion and forgiveness is needed but how many parents can't even talk to their kids let alone teach them? It is always the teachers fault and parents will never admit that they're the problem and it is always the "other kids" fault. Another step is getting rid of this guilt trip. In almost every post someone is "blaming" themselves. Good grief, let it go. This isn't a religion folks, just work with them. Your child lives in a young community and this is the time to help them so they can live in an adult community when he grows up. I don't feel guilty if my kid messes up. I also tell them to quit whining, grow up, and learn to communicate better because it will only get worse when they're adults if they cannot handle it now. I also tell my kids that, "yes, sometimes you will get in trouble and yes, sometimes it won't be your fault but someone else messing with you; that's life". "Quit trying to find fault and learn to see the bigger picture and how everyone's actions can affect negatively upon others". In do this, they can relate to the old adage, "Don't be quick to judge if you haven't walked in their shoes". I won't tolerate my kids growing up holding the "woe is me" attitude whenever something or someone does something to them. I also teach them that that kid that you hate right now, may be your best friend next year, so watch what you do and say. A lot of kids these days have a lot of baggage to bring to school, so I want my kids to understand this so they learn compassion and forgiveness toward others.