How can I stop my son's hitting?

My 5-year-old son has had the principal and teacher calling for the past four days. He is hitting other students. Today he hit the teacher. This has become so constant that we are meeting with the teacher for the second time in two weeks. Could you explain what it could be?

We are a very loving family. He has a new little sister who is 9 months old and actively crawling. He has somewhat of a routine in the evening with homework and shower, etc. We don't know what to do or what the cause may be. Please give us some insight to what we could do to help him get over this.

Answer From Our Expert

DebraCollins March 5, 2008

There are many things that contribute to aggressive behavior in children. I assume by your comment, "We are a very loving family," that you do not tolerate hitting in your home. Home structure (routines), discipline methods, family relationships and school history, are some of the factors that can influence a child's behavior at school. Having a full understanding of your son's preschool and behavior history will be helpful in your discussions with his teacher and principal.

Kindergarten is a major transition both socially and academically. For some young children, who have difficulty identifying and expressing their feelings and frustrations, hitting becomes a way to let people know they are in trouble.

He may be frustrated if he doesn't fully understand what is required of him. We sometimes assume that children know, but that is not always true. Understanding what he's struggling with can help you and the school strategize better solutions.

To make teacher meetings more productive you might ask questions such as:

- What behavior patterns is she noticing?
- Does he hit only some children?
- Does he do it during certain activities or times of day?
- Is she able to notice certain triggers for the outbursts and intervene before he escalates, or is it sporadic and unpredictable?
- How is he doing overall academically and behaviorally?
- Does he understand the routines of the classroom?

A school counselor, social skills group or child therapist can help your son to identify and express his feelings more appropriately. You can also model feelings at home for him by using such phrases as, "I am happy when..." "I am mad that my sister...". Children's books such as "Dr. Seuss's: My Many Colored Days," demonstrate different emotional states and can be a fun way to introduce a feeling vocabulary, so that subsequent coping methods can be explored.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.

Parent Answers to "How can I stop my son's hitting?"

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Yes, children do express their feelings by hitting. Sometimes it can be because of changes at home, such as the new sibling, or it could be because of the pressures of adjusting to kindergarten;especially if the sibling gets to stay home and you have to miss out on the fun and go to school.
Response to Anonymous:
"Time Outs" are effective in both school and home settings, it gives a child an opportunity to cool down and then try again. Children need structured help at times with this, because self regulation is a learned skill. "Time Outs" paired with learning how to express ones self verbally, is a good combination for changing hitting behavior.

Your son is just expressing his feelings through hitting. He has a new sibling and is trying his best to adjust to the new situation. I know this because I'm going through the same thing; 5 year old and an 18 month old. The "Time Out Chair" has helped at home and my child's kindergarten teacher has also used the time out chair due to a couple of tantrums in the classroom. I now keep in touch with the teacher by phone once a week to stay on top of how things are going.

In response to sscparent: "being silly" is a way of connecting with others, as you mentioned. It might be interesting for others in the community to know how you and the bus driver handled this issue. What other ways are you having your son "connect?"

I wonder if your child is doing this in a bullying or silly kind of way. There are different ways of handling each one. My son is six and he has a problem with constantly hitting, throwing things and getting out of his seat on the bus. As a matter of fact he was suspended from the bus for a week for his behavior as a safety issue. We watched a video from the bus and he is clearly doing it to be silly. This his his way of communicating to make friends and be accepted.

In looking at the latest response by "anonymous": It is great how she looked at how each child in her family communicates.

Every family situation regarding communication patterns and styles and individual temperament, is unique. Talking to children and getting to know their issues underneath the action, ( in this case hitting) helps both the adult and the child come up with the best solution(s) that meets everyone's needs.

"Communication is key," is an overused phrase, but so true.

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