I am also new to this and have somewhat of a special circumstance. My second daughter, who is 15, is coming to live with me, finally. She has lived with her dad in another state since she was 7.

This will be a totally new experience for us, since she has never stayed with me longer than a "summer visit" and I have never had a teenager in my home at all. Her older sister has never lived with me, either, but still lives in her dad's state and is now attending college.

I have 2 other children in my home: a son, 7 and a 3rd daughter, 9 mo., both from my second marriage. My 15 and 7 yr old get along well and have a great time together, but this will be totally different for him, too.

My husband works out of town a lot and won't be here all the time, but he and I sometimes bump heads on discipline and/or behavior that is acceptable.

If anyone has lived through a similar situation and who might have some suggestions on how to make this a smooth transition for all, it would be greatly appreciated! We hope to have her here by the end of June.

I wanted to take the time to thank all the readers and thank you all for the support! My teens and I are very much close and live life to the fullest (With Limits of course)! I have been very fortunate to have four kids and know the how to about raising the kids. As a child my life wasn't good enough to talk about, but I am thankful that I have been blessed with god's touch in knowing how to deal with everday life. Always know that we are our children's future and how we deal or handle sitautions will reflect on them.

Thank you all so much!

Robin_217

I wouldn't worry about being too permissive if that is working for your family. It's all relative... It sounds like you are laying a great foundation for your daughter.

CurlySue,

You are indeed blessed! It sounds like you and your girls have the relationship most strive for. Keep up the good work and say a little prayer for the others.

I have a 13 year old daughter, and she's just getting to that age where I really start to worry. She's a great kid...sensitive, loves to sing, writes to her camp friends, and wants to be a doctor when she grows up. She's started to have "boyfriends"--I let her go on "dates" so long as its during the day, a grown up is home (and boy do I check!) and I pick her up, drop her off. At this age, she hasn't had a boyfriend for more than 3 weeks, and she mostly just talks on the phone. I like to think that its innocent, and I'm glad she tells me about her crushes. When I was 13 I had a "boyfriend" and all we did was eat lunch together...but these days you hear such stories. I want to let her grow and experience life, but sometimes I worry that I'm too permissive.

I've always had good communication with my children. They both remain in Honor Society and keep straight A's. I've never had to spy on them, they tell me everything. My children have a very high self esteem so they don't give in to peer pressure, and they could care less what their peers think about them. As for my daughter, all her activities, movies, mall, etc. include boys since they are her best friends. She has few girlfriends and thats by choice, so no, there is never any sneaking around. I think somewhere along the road my children were mature enough to put their priorities in order. They continue to seek new challenges daily and I couldn't be more prouder =)

You are very fortunate that you can totally trust your child(ren) with all of their decisions. That is very rare. I don't distrust my kids, I just believe that they are still at an age where their friends (and/or acquaintances) may also have influence on them. I have seen a situation where someone has told me, for instance, that they are so happy that their daughter, 15, is not interested in boys. I know for a fact that this girl has been going to the movies and meeting with boys and has had several "boyfriends." She thought I was wrong for allowing my daughter to have a boyfriend (after she asked permission) and having him over for dinner.

Every family is different.

2kidss I also have a 12 year old daughter in 7th grade and a 15 yr old son in 10th grade. You have to believe you've done your best in raising your childen and let them find their own way sometimes. I trust my childrens judgement in everything they choose friends, activities etc. I dont think a parent can be over protective. They are your children and it is instinct to protect them.

I have 2 girls 12 and 15. I do see a big change from when I was a kid too. Materialistic and not as respectful seems to be the trend. They know of friends that are pregnant and have girls trying to hit on them?? I speak to them about sex after marriage. No drugs or smoking. I think they listen?? My biggest fear is if they have sex or try drugs and alcohol. Isn't an issue know but how do you handle that as a parent? When do you let go to let them make their own decisions? Soon our kids will be driving and then you really don't know where they are or what there doing. How do you set guidelines within reason? How do you be a supportive parent without being to over protective? And what if your nightmare comes true then what do you do??

I think I want them to stay little!! LOL

Thank-you Deborah...I completely agree about teenagers today, It's also difficult when their "friends" seem to have more pull then the parents. I have tried some these things that the other parents have said. it didn't help, in fact made a bad situation worse! And I held my ground, so to speak. I think that what works for one family or child doesn't necessairly mean it's going to for the next. Each child, each situation is different, We have to siff through and put together what we think is going to work, Unfortunately, there isn't a set of directions that comes with each child.
So now I'm taking the girls to a professional and see if we can't straighten some of this mess out. But I just wanted to say thank-you and How much I agree with your statement.

Sorry I can not raise my child like my parents raised me. I believe in some old fashion ways,not all of them. this is 2000,and things have changed alot since the 50's.these kids that are born now they think and act so much different and parents have to deal with them different.it is so much knowledge and parents is looseing their rights with their own kids now,I believe do whatever works in your family in raiseing your own kids thats right and by the law.

Hello Yes I would like that I too have a 14 year old. I have no worries as of yet with her other than her bubblie personality may get mis construde understand...

Hello to all, Well I have read all the responces and I am abit surprised and shocked at the same time most of us are doing what should have been done by our parents and most are just letting it flow. Whether it's a girl or a boy they all do go through changes just remember to remind them who's the adult without using the same attitude they have been feeding us. Let's not forget we taught ourselves the how to before we became parents. Good luck To All

Thank you for the kind words. We had to put up with my daughter being unhappy for a while and sticking to not giving her EXTRA money. When her allowance was gone, it was gone. Stick to your guns, if you don't give it to her, she will have to figure a way to make it! My son is now saving his money and trading in old video games that he has already beaten in order to purchase new games. When they saw that we were serious, the attitudes changed.

Wow that is amazing. She is only 16 or almost 17. The reason ask is I have a 15 year( just tuned 15) and is my only child besides my 31 year old soldier step son.
I can not imagine her working or doing chores unless I ride her than it is a fight. It seems alot easier just to do them myself. also less stressful. I get alot of talk back and she seems to have all the answers. Everyone I talk to says all 15 year olds or many are like that it will pass. I am praying it does. I found myself backing off at a time I should be full throttle. I am absolutely with no answers. Signed MrsLee

hello I have a 15 year old daughter all I can say is WOW!

I have one daughter that is 14. i would really love to talk to you about anything and maybe we both could learn from eachother. thank you..

No concern, just putting in my 2 cents...

Hello, i am a mom of two teens what was your concern?

Hi everyone,

I just joined today and read all of the replies and comments. I am the mother of 2 teenagers; a girl (16) and a boy (14). I feel for those who have gone through or are currently going through those issues. I began noticing my daughter during that materialistic phase also. It seemed like the more you gave her the more she wanted. She was already getting what I though was a good monthly allowance and she had the opportunity to make even more for doing "extra" chores around the house...without being asked...to do them! Well,my husband and I began noticing that the extra chores were not being done as often and she was beginning to come back to us for more money before she should. We put her through the ringer with questions as to where her money had gone and what was it she felt the urgent need to purchase. I think she hated that even more because the next week she as asking me to take her around to fill out job applications. She did find one, however, being so young she could not work very long and she was called off a lot due to weather and the ice cream shop closing a lot. We have since moved to another state and she hit the ground running!! She now works at Subways making her own money. She is allowed to save 1/2 of each check (she gets paid every other week) and she can spend the other half. She has slowly learned that she does not need 1/2 of her checks and is cutting back on her own. When it is her money and she can see the bank account grow, it made a difference. She is now being generous toward her brother and helping him out with funds. A win/win for us!!

Hi everyone,

I just joined today and read all of the replies and comments. I am the mother of 2 teenagers; a girl (16) and a boy (14). I feel for those who have gone through or are currently going through those issues. I began noticing my daughter during that materialistic phase also. It seemed like the more you gave her the more she wanted. She was already getting what I though was a good monthly allowance and she had the opportunity to make even more for doing "extra" chores around the house...without being asked...to do them! Well,my husband and I began noticing that the extra chores were not being done as often and she was beginning to come back to us for more money before she should. We put her through the ringer with questions as to where her money had gone and what was it she felt the urgent need to purchase. I think she hated that even more because the next week she as asking me to take her around to fill out job applications. She did find one, however, being so young she could not work very long and she was called off a lot due to weather and the ice cream shop closing a lot. We have since moved to another state and she hit the ground running!! She now works at Subways making her own money. She is allowed to save 1/2 of each check (she gets paid every other week) and she can spend the other half. She has slowly learned that she does not need 1/2 of her checks and is cutting back on her own. When it is her money and she can see the bank account grow, it made a difference. She is now being generous toward her brother and helping him out with funds. A win/win for us!!

Thanks blacklion for the info.raiseing girls are different from raiseing boys.I wish I had two boys instead of a boy and girl.I love my girl but she has given me more headaches then her father and brother put together.I am going to take your advice on this.I have no help so I will just have to be the bad mom,because I do want the best for my daughter.thanks again

MistySky-

It is not easy. The world is very materialistic and kids only see what they want to see. When a few kids get cars, then it seems 'everyone' has a car. When a few kids get an iphone, then it seems 'every' kid has an iphone. There are parents now who grew up living with the same attitude and now they are cultivating the same perception for their kids. They have to be the first to run out and get the latest 'thing' for their kids because now they feel they have to keep up with the next family who has 'everything' they want. What makes all this possible?

The ever increasing availability of credit in the last 2 decades. Easier to get credit cards, loans, cash advances than ever before. Problem is, eventually someone has to pay for all these things. The economy is giving so many people a rude awakening, especially teenagers today. Here is the lesson I'm trying to teach my family about right now. Without the free flowing credit and money, mom & dad can't buy the 'toys' that they have grown so accustomed to. Today's society has changed the principle that you work hard to afford the things you want. It is now you work hard to be given CREDIT and then use the CREDIT to get what you want. In teenagers minds, credit becomes something that you can keep putting off, paying a little each month for an ever-expanding piggie bank that just grows larger and larger (in actuality right now, the amount of credit each person has had is getting smaller) the more you work. What they don't realize is that eventually, somewhere down the line, each of those creditors gets tired of only getting a little each month. The interest you have to pay get bigger and bigger as the creditor sells that bill to the next creditor in an effort to start getting some of that money upfront. Soon you have a bill that equals more than the amount you can afford to pay and still have enough left over for food and water. It is at that point that you become a SLAVE, literally. Unless you able to declare bankruptcy, you will literally have to work everyday for the rest of your life with no chance of ever being able to get out of debt. Some see bankruptcy as a chance out of the cycle, but big corps have effective changed the laws and even filing for bankruptcy doesn't get you off the hook anymore.

But back to your situation. The best you can do it to set the example. You and your husband should make a budget. Decide what the FAMILY can afford for entertainment and toys. Then have an honest, frank discussion with the rest of the family about what you've decided. Don't go and tell them that they have to do without, when you still go and spend on yourself like nothing has changed. They would have to deal with it, but I'm sure they will resent you for not setting the example. My daughter is now very eager to find a job that PAYS, whereas before she was not too interested. Perhaps this route can work for your family as well.

Blackion,
I agree but where to start? They get a weekly allowance and have certain chores that must be done to earn this money, They want extra's, then they have to buy them and on 10 a week, I know that isn't easy, but both do still want more. Very materalistic. I make them wait, tried to show them what goes out each month verses what comes in. Their friends all had cars given to them, I refused and told them to get a job..I'm not a well liked grandma either, I'm afraid.

I have a 15 year old daughter she goes to Sheridan Freshman academy thanks

MistySky12:
I second Healthy11. I think your grand-daughter needs an evaluation by a child psychiatrist, especially given her mother's history.
Bu the way, my now 21 year old was diagnosed with ODD, which turned out to be the wrong diagnosis. She had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from a trauma that was unknown to me at the time. Acting out behavior and anger are symptoms of PTSD as well as other mental health problems.

Deb-

I have a daughter who is the same way. She was the baby of the family for 9 years until I came along and met her mom. Now she is sort of the middle child.

A word of caution. Don't let them leave the house that way. Otherwise you will end up with a child in college who can't work and pass classes like all the other kids aroudn them. Even if she isn't working, there will be enough to distract her (boys) in school that she will still be needy and procrastinate. Unfortunately, they will be drawn to guys who buy them 'things' in return for affection because their need for material goods will have exceed any parents abilities by this point. If we are both lucky, they will graduate, only to want to come back home to parents who provided everything for them. I'm doing the same, but get started now. I'm probably the most hated stepdad in all the world, but I'm making sure my daughter knows that 1) the world isn't free, 2) she is going to have to EARN her piece of it and 3) that she can be a WHOLE person without every little thing that kids 'must' have these days.

Everytime I hear that a problem would be solved by just buying something, I remind her that people existed doing the exact same thing without the toys just 5 years ago (I was one of them). When she tells me that it's stupid, I agree with her but remind her that she now has the opportunity to be the smartest person in the world doing some of the 'stupidest' things, probably one of the few times I will allow her to do 'stupid' things.

I had to do the same to her older brother before he left. Whenever he comes home to visit, I remind him that being adult is not an age, but how much maturity and responsibility he can handle on his own. He seems to be getting the message and is appreciative that someone tells him the straightforward truth.

MistySky12, as I mentioned, I'm not a doctor. I have, however, been a participant in parent support groups for many years, and it really sounds to me as if your daughter and granddaughter do have neurobiological issues. As I understand it, virtually everyone with an ODD diagnosis has ADHD issues (although not everyone with ADHD had ODD... It's similar to "all collies are dogs, but not all dogs are collies.") Your daughter, with her mother's genes, might also be showing signs of schizophrenia, or bipolar, or something else, which is why a specialist should be involved.

The psych who said your granddaughter had a "pretty body and was just spoiled" was unscrupulous and not a true professional. I strongly recommend that you try to locate a different doctor, preferably a child/adolescent psychiatrist. I'm sure your granddaughters didn't ask to be born with mental health conditions in the family. Although they may not realize or say it, thank you for all you're already doing to help them, but what they're dealing with requires more than just your unconditional love.

healthy11,
I'm glad U mentioned this, I did have her evaluated when she was in 4th grade, at that time she was using profanity toward adults, & heaven knows that isn't a language I tolerate in or out of home, She also was throwing things at the teacher, breaking objects at home, shoplifting, sneaking out of the house...anyway you get the picture..The evaluation did say an oppositional defiance disorder, and boarderline schizophrenic, which my daughter, her mother was schizophrenic but refused to take medication. The psych. Did not mention medication therapy but definitely counseling. The problem is that she just walks out and refuses to go into the counselor office at all. Except for when it was court ordered through the juvenile services, but that guy was a real something. He told the courts that it was nothing psychological, made comments about how pretty her body is and that she was just plain spoiled. HE recommended no counseling and that she be removed from my care. Unfortunately when juvenile services become involved, it seems as the first thing that comes out of their pea brains is.."does your grandmother have men spend the nite?" Oh for heavens sakes people! No, I hadn't even dated for around 10 years as my grand -daughter took up every once of energy I had and I wanted to maintain a constant, healthy environment for both my girls.
I thought that the oppositional defiance disorder was just a fancy way of saying that she doesn't behave or that she just doesn't want to be told what to do. And believe it or not I am a registered Nurse, but I work the ICU's, not psych or children.

MistySky12, I'm not a doctor, but when you say that your granddaughter is showing the exact same (negative) behaviors as her mother did, has she ever been evaluated for a neurobiological issue of some sort? Many conditions, like bipolar, do have hereditary links, and they're medical conditions, not a factor of "poor parenting." I'm thinking your granddaughter must have had some diagnosis in order to have attended a behavioral disorder school, but is she still seeing a professional for ongoing counseling or therapy? It sounds like ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) at a minimum, and I'm sure can stress the entire family out. My thoughts are with you.

I hear ya both! Gesh is it just a rite of teenage girls passage to adult hood now? I can't remember doing any of the stuff my girls do now! wasn't an angel by no means, but would never say or do the things that my girls do..mostly the younger 14 year old. These 2 are my grand daughters but I have raised them alone since they were infants, so I call them mine. My daughter, Did all sorts of stuff, I did finally give custody to the state, I figured it bettet then finding her dead in a ditch somewhere. still wonder to this day if I should have handled things differently but can't come up with how? So now I have her 2 daughters and 1 shows the exact same behavior as her mom and I am trying all sorts of different ways of dealing with her. don't think my heart can handle another time of "handing a child over ". but it seems like the more I avoid what happened before, the more things move in the same direction.. have analysed this stuff to death and still don't come up with much different then I did before. I understand about the school knowing your voice..we went through that also, in fact the principal remarked to me one day that he would stand in front of the mirror shaving each morning and wonder what Jen was going to do that day! We had gotten to the point he'd call and say my name and I'd just say, "be right there" Now thats bad! But the teachers, principal and myself got our heads togather and we ended up sending her to the behavioral disorder school for 2 years, they were just awesome! she pretty much plays it straight in school now but a handful at home, but better then before. Thank the Lord! Well since I have rambled on, I'll go good luck ladies

I have two teenage daughters - 17 and 19. I went through hell with one of them - I was just about ready to send her to a residential facility for troubled teens, but hung in there and now she is ready to graduate from H.S. and has finally turned her life around for the better and we have both grown from our experiences. My oldest daughter is in college now, but I also faced different challenges with her - some of which we're still dealing with and others which have been resolved. I'd be happy to talk with you and share experiences if you have any specific questions.

I here ya, 18 can't seem to come fast enough. If I could remember correctly I wasn't a big fan of my mom 'til I was out there acting like I was a BIG Girl now. Mine is a Drama Queen mainly she's the begining and end of all of it. Pretty sad when the school know my voice when I call. There is just no ambition in school for her, never has liked it, and now she's trying very hard to go down ALL the wrong roads. That's my grave digger, and I love her but want to kill her daily.

I am a High School Parent. I have a 15 year old beautiful,sweet,quiet,loveing daughter that loves to shop,spend money like it's water flowing from a river.she thinks Taco Bell is the only resturant in town.she always find things for our family to do on off days and weekends when her mom and pa just want to rest.
I only pay the phone bill,I never get to use it.I have to use our computer when she is in school.I'm always buying junk food because she just waste good food.
To sum it all up my daughter is all about herself,selfish,sneakie,quiet,and only do housework when she wants to do or go somewhere with her boyfriend or friends.SHE'S MY SELFISH,SPOIL,BRAT and I love her.she is still in training.3 more years of pain and suffering then she can move,get her a JOB,pay her own bills,buy her own clothes,AND MOVE FAR AWAY TO COLLEGE.LOL

I have 2 teenage girls also 14 and 15...let's talk sometime.

i have 3 daughters 13,9,4.i may be helpful,if you have any questions,im here.my name is debra.i would be glad to try to answer anything you need answered mom005.

A lot of times the issues that impact teenage girls involve teenage boys, so it's helpful to hear from parents of both genders, and that's what this High School Parents Group has :o)

I have a daughter 12 and a son 15. I don't know if I can be helpful , but I will try:)