Middle school can be particularly hard on girls and groups of girls can change like the wind and turn on one of their own. When that happens, it's devastating. Your daughter is beautiful and tall - like a 'supermodel'- the 'Queen Bee' of her group may have decided to exclude her for that reason. Most often, the others in the group go along with the decision of the Queen Bee out of fear that they will be the next one cut out of the group.

It's entirely possible that your daughter has done nothing to incite these girls except to be beautiful - and sadly possible that there's nothing she can do to be reinstated in the group. Though it's very likely she can make other friends and the good news is that summer is coming fast.
Does she have friends outside of school? Having outside activities and outside of school friends can help a lot when it comes to getting through the social whirl of Middle School. Does she have other friends in the school past this group of girls?
Getting involved in school activities if possible puts a student in contact with students and helps them to make solid friends based on shared interests. If there are clubs, teams, choirs, service groups - any of those can give a student a group they can't be cut out of.
Good luck. I hope you'll let us know how it goes.

Wonderful resources! I too, read "Queen bees...". The picture painted in this story is one that is alive in schools today, particularly at the middle school level. Confronting the parents of your child's friends may seem like a difficult, and unwelcomed suggestion, however if your child is suffering from abusive verbal attacks I wouldn't hesitate for a moment to put in a call. Without rifling any accusatory comments you might simply inquire about the status of the kids' friendship. "It seems like Sarah and Julie have been on the outs lately. Have you noticed anything on your end." Usually, parents are ready and willing to talk about their child's social life, so take advantage of the opportunity.

The second recommendation I have, having spoken to and worked with thousands of middle school parents, is to look for activities outside of the school day where your daughter can shine and expand her peer group. Fighting for a position with the same group of friends can be exhausting for kids amidst the bevy of other challenges they face during a typical middle school day.

Joe Bruzzese

so get her involved with some new activities so that she can make new and different friends. do you talk with any of the friends moms, call and ask if she may know what is going on. Chances are that the girls are going through puberty and we all know how that changes girls.

I agree with a lot of what the other posters have said, especially Joe.

I have a little more to add though, because I also was very tall in middle school & high school. I'm now 6 feet tall. There are many more tall women and girls around these days too.

Kids can be so brutal. Once you've heard a few stinging remarks, it's easy to become paranoid and see snubs everywhere. Some of them may indeed be real, and others may not.

Other girls may indeed prefer to hang with girls who look like them. No one wants to stand out at that age. But when you're really tall, that's exactly what you do. You can't hide, or recede in the crowd. And the girls who hang with you will stand out out too.

I wish I had a bag of tricks that would make this better for your daughter. But even with lots of advice and compassion, the next few years will be rough.

Most of the advice I have has to do with adjusting your daughter's own attitude. At 12, the maturity to do this may not be there yet.

Since she can do nothing to disguise her height, the best tactic is to ACT like she's a confident beauty queen in the making. If she looks wounded, it will bring on more abuse. So if she can make it into a game to behave like she's glorying in her height, by throwing back her shoulders and smiling, teasing will be minimized. She can rehearse looking serene at home, even coming up with a few quips or "looks" to throw back in reply to taunts. Believe me, trying to be inconspicuous will not work. She can curl up in a ball when she gets home.

Sometimes the pressure to be the same is minimized in a mixed age group. Maybe she can get involved in an activity with a broader age range - like a teen art class or tennis class. Someplace where the kids will be all over the place in height and age.

Bravo DrJohnson for your candid, articulate response. I'm in complete agreement with your thoughts, particularly your encouragement to "ACT like a confident beauty queen..." Confidence is hard to come by for most 12 year olds, but when a child's physical appearance doesn't match the norm or what she perceives as the norm, the struggle to mainstain self confidence can become a daily challenge.

Encouraging your daughter's participation in extracurricular activities that recognize her contributions is a wonderful way to build confidence. Mentoring programs at the local library or through the city's recreation center can be incredibly rewarding for the soon-to-be teen.

Keep us posted! I'm impressed by the participation and support this forum has generated.

Regards,

Joe Bruzzese

A lot of good advice has been presented so far. Let me add that you may ask a good friend of YOURS (make sure that this is a trustworthy friend) that has a daughter that is friends with your daughter if she knows what is going on. Sometimes our own children do know what's going on but are too hurt to tell us. The child of your friend may provide some insight to the problem.
When kids are "different" from their peers they need to have their confidence built up. My 11 1/2 yr old daughter is not caught up in the popularity push and dress in fashion scene (yet) and when she has been made fun of we talk about why people would make fun of her. Because of our discussions of why it's OK to be different or look different, she is much more confidence and ignores the remarks or, when she can't ignore the taunts about dressing so ugly, she'll tell them that at least she has a brain that allows her to dress herself instead of trying to be a Barbie doll and dress like everybody else.
With your daughter, try finding role models that are tall. When she sees the famous people it will help a little. But, for the current problem, you need to make sure that she's involved in some activities that are closely monitored where the teasing doesn't occur as often until she can build up her confidence.
Good luck!

im 13 right now and maybe they dont like her coz she's tall or u could ask her 2 ask them y they dont like her anymore and u could work from there

Thanks sweetheart. Very kind of you and everyone else to reply!

i read queenbees and feel so much more connected to my daughter and her struggles. Thanks to all!!!

My daughter is 11 years old and entering middle school,i am a little nervous and hope she can transition smoothley.and make a couple of good friends...

My younger sister developed very early. shaving at 11 and etc. then by 15 doing runway in Miami. At first it was very hard for her and no one ever spent the night and it was far from a normal middle school experience. On several occassions in midddle school she was believed to be part of the school staff! But once she found her traction and let her inner confidence come out, nothing could stop her. She is now early 30's and their not a place in Tampa Bay that we can go without her being stopped by someone she knows. And her personality is that of a bright star.

Honey do I know how you feel, my daughter also 12 is taller than all, but one of her friends and feels so out of place. She has really suffered this year. Not very social, would rather be around animals. Has been just diagnosed with clinical depression. Hates her school. Really having a hard time. I feel your pain

try to make group friends. sleep over. invite few friends to movies. ect

hi what school is she going to?

Hi haylesmom and welcome to GreatSchools Parent Community. We're a nationwide community of parents, so we're relating our issues from all over the country. In fact, naming schools isn't always the best thing to do when talking about our kids, since there's always a way to find comments made as a search.

What I like best about GreatSchools is that you soon realize while there are regional differences in things like when school years start and end, the reality is we're all dealing with the same issues when it comes to our kids.

Good luck, and welcome again to GreatSchools Parent Community.

I am going thru same problem here. DD is 11 going to be 12 in May. She never really had a problem with her group of friends until this summer. a little background, she has had numerous surgeries on her legs for some benign bone tumors that require bone grafting and some hardware other than that she is perfectly normal and is always involved with friends. The end of the school year in June she stated suffering from anxiety and is now being treated. Her friends know some about the anxiety and have always been there for her during her surgeries until this past one in Aug. I started to notice no one was coming around and thought it was due to summer vacations. Then school started, most of the girls she is friends with are in sports and because of her leg she cannot play contact sports. They were all busy with sports so we never saw them. I really started to think something was up and contacted a few parents of her friends whom I can trust to get to bottom, at first i only got a few tidbits but now it is worse sports are over and they are still shunning her. I did learn she did a few small things that were irritating some of them but not enough to cause this. She has apologized over and over and this week met with guid counselor and the two girls who I believe are the cause of it. Nothing was resolved the two girls who have been her friends told GC they are not interested in resolving or being friends with her. They would nto give any reasons. I have been broken hearted for her and crying myself for weeks now. They always were a great group of girls. She doesnt really want to join any clubs at her school bc alot of girls dont' really do them. After pondering and hashing it out, I cant take it anymore my husband and I have decided to pull her out and put her in private school that our neighbors daug who is her friend goes to. I know this isnt the sollution to run but she is miserable and her grades are affected and we are so upset with these girls and their parents that no one has stood up for her or tried to resolve matters that I think changing her school will be for best it is still local and she knows girls from that school. We never did Catholic school even though we are Catholic, I have a son who is 15 in hs and excels well. I just can't stand to see her so unhappy and miserable and we will talk to the principal. I fear things are worse now that the two were called to gc and i have talked with a few parents even though they are friends. Sorry for rambling but I don't know what else to do either.

My daughter is also 5'10" and in the 6th grade.She has always felt very self concious and now is getting worse and having trouble with friends. My daughter just feels there is no one that she can "fit" in with. Sadly at her school alot of parents are passing judgement on my daughter because her being so big for her age they think she is too muture and would be a bad influence on their daughter. I am still struggling with this situation and wish I had some advice,but all I can say is I understand what you and her are going through.

An update to my previous post... well after many tearful nights and a fairly rough summer..7th grade has been a year for new friends (several girls transfered) and my daughter has overcome some of these issues. I have begun to see that time is on our side as parents. What seems like impending doom to our children and sometimes us is only temporary.

So I keep telling her in either situation, this too shall pass, so hang on or enjoy it while it lasts:)

Well I keep hoping this too will pass, but sadly not fast enough for me..:) We are going to transfer her even though this may or may not be right thing to do. OUr community is pretty small, so the chances of latching onto a diff groups of girls is prob not going to happen. There are other girls that she is friends with and are not mean but they are so involved in sports they have almost no free time.