Watch Add to del.icio.us | Print | Email Report it

Tigher

June 10, 2008

Blind sided by that sweet little baby of mine....

Posted in

Middle School Parents

What to do? I do not know what I am feeling? Appalled, betrayed, flabbergasted, embarrassed, angry, confused...

But more importantly I need some advise on how to handle it, because I KNOW I blew it.

My lovely daughter, so excited to get her first middle school yearbook. I had her name embossed on it with her clubs and sports. A beautiful thing. I went to put on the protective cover and she is just beaming, " Do you want to see the boy I have a crush on"?

Of course I do, what Mother in her right mind would not want to see her daughter's first "official middle school crush"?

As I flip to "his" page I notice other pictures that have been "X" out, names written on them, in permanent green magic marker no less.

What is this I ask her? Oh, those are the kids I don't like, or annoying girls... you know THOSE kids.

I hit the ceiling, not the house, but the one the air traffic controllers are always talking about. I asked her what she was thinking? How would you feel if you saw your picture "x"'d out with Ugly written at the bottom? She said she would feel sad, and angry.

I ended up sending her to bed with a bag of pretzels and threw the yearbook away. Grounding her (no electronics)until I can figure out what to do. She yelled and cried and said what a bad person she was and that she does not like what she did.

Am I over reacting? She did say all the other kids were doing it too. Is this a case of peer pressure run amuck?

Now she wants me to buy her a new yearbook. I can not even begin to get my mind around that request. Not only do I feel like she does not deserve it, but we are talking $38 bucks here.

She is a good girl, does not get into trouble, A's and B's, participates in team sports (softball and cheer leading).

What to do?

You must be a member of this group to post a reply.

Parent Replies to "Blind sided by that sweet little baby of mine...."

View 20 replies: Newest-Oldest, Oldest-Newest
Display fewer replies

hi,

well, your sweet little baby is growing up and the more sun you give a blooming plant, the better it does. Although, too much sun and it wilts. Hm.. What to do?
Think of your relationship and 'remind' yourself why she is such a sweet little baby and try to re-connect.
Good luck

my middle school yearbooks were $65, okay. you lucky!!!!!! and as far as it goes with the X ed out pictures, you paid for it!!!! its still your property!!!!!! so you can do with it as you see fit.............................. Good Job!!!!!!

Your comment that shes a good girl should really help you deal with this situation.Ive seen this in many kids yearbooks with even worse vocabulary.My daughter did the same thing.I didnt care,thats their way of dealing with situations that occur at school . I would rather have my daughter writing in a book than getting in an altercation at school. I did remind her that there are always consequences to her actions if she chose to show her yearbook to her friends

I think you over reacted and should not have thrown the year book away.first of all you bought the book for her,and it was her book.I think you should buy her another book and let her explore and do her own thing with her book.I would never crush or hurt my daughter in that way.I want my daughter to comunicate with me so I can know whats going on in her life at school and other places.I don't like somethings she do and I talk to her about it and just keep my eyes open,but never let her know I am watching the situation.I keep a low profile and most of the time my daughter always talk to me about different things then I always plant my good advise in her head.it works for me,you as a parent just have to know how to comunicate with your kids and let the anger go,if you don't your kids will never talk to you.

honestly i understand why you got angry. But sometimes kids are just going to be kids. I think you should hold off on buying another one until next year to show her not to destroy things but you should apologize for getting so angry.

no_uniforms, I realize you're a newer member of Greatschools forum, but there are a couple of things that might be helpful to keep in mind for future postings...the original poster, Tigher, said "...more importantly I need some advise on how to handle it, because I KNOW I blew it."
She wasn't looking for a lecture on what was done wrong; she recognized it already, and asked for advice on how she might improve the situation. Greatschools members try to offer people hope and suggestions. It would be much more constructive and helpful if comments and replies to posters were more positive.

listen you way over reacted! its normal for girls at that age to do that. is it peer pressure? NO ! NOT ONE LITTLE BIT! its completely normal. and why would you throw it away? Why did you punish her?? and i cant believe she would trust you that much to show you her crush and then you punish her.

Unfortunately, I have many things I wish I could do over. The most important thing is to convey that even though you don't approve, you understand that these years are not always the easiest. Also that you can forgive the instance and hope she can forgive your reaction. Usually humbling yourself will go a long way with your kids. It establishes that you know you are not perfect, and can't expect them to be either. All in all, you do what you do, because you love your child. And most likely, she knows that.

I don't have much to add. This discussion just brought back some memories. My brother did something similar. Not to kids they didn't' like, but their friends pics. They were middle school teens during the "HAPPY DAYS" series and they gave each friend a name from the show,of course writing "THE FONZ" on one of their own pics.They did put some green hair on a friend that they were always picking on. I am the one who has that yearbook today ,somehow .Again it is not mean spirited but I am sure mom paid good $$ for it. I don't recall her saying anything.I doubt she ever even looked because once they got that book it was theirs,well um mine now :o) I think it is all a faze as well. I think I learned something by reading all your replies. That is even though I would never think my DD would do anything like that,I am most likely wrong! I can now have a talk early and make sure she knows I would be very disappointed if she were to do anything of the sort.
Great lessons here!

GoBuffs,
I wish I had checked in with you when this happened with my daughter. I never considered "why" she might have written mean things or that she might have considered her year book private. I just angrily assumed she was being mean. I should know by now NOT to assume anything.

You offer productive, mature advice. Wish I could have a "do over"!

Get her a new year book, but deliver it with an opportunity to discuss feelings. Something like "I may have overreacted, but I would love for you to share with me why you did this". I did the same thing when I was in Jr. High. It ended in Jr. High. It was not peer pressure, but I did write mean things, mostly about other girls who were not nice to me. Some who were bullys, and some who were always trying to hurt my feelings. It was my private yearbook, and I was in Jr. High, I did not have the confidence then to stand up for myself, I just did it as a get even and it did make me feel better (which is probably wrong, but nothing at that age seems to be right) Anyhow, many years later, I was showing my yearbook to my son and he is also in Jr. High, and he thought I was completely stupid, and said that some of the girls at his school do the same thing. So, its a long time thing, not new and still goes on. If she is using profanity or just doing it to be mean, that is one thing, but maybe its just her way to strike back without anyone knowing.

Since we're all being honest here, when I was in third grade, *I* did the same thing. I took a black crayon and filled in the faces, along with an asterisk and the words "I like mud." I don't know why, but in 4th grade I didn't deface the pictures.

I don't recall my mom talking about it, and I don't remember being upset or embarrassed by it. I remember doing it to both the kids who picked on me, and the kids I didn't like--and I can't at this point, literally 30 years later, which kids were which. Much later down the road I remember wishing I hadn't done it, but I didn't throw it away, and it's still in the box with all the other year books.

I'm not saying it's right, but in some cases it can be a case of feeling some power over the kids that are doing the picking on.

The year books you definitely don't want to look at are the high school year books. The stuff they write, will make your hair stand on end.

I don't know if this is useful information or not...my son's middle school didn't have a yearbook, so his first opportunity to buy one was Freshman year of H.S. I believe it was $45.

Sure enough, just as you found, I discovered that my son had drawn over various people's pictures, and even obscured his own (or maybe someone else drew on his, I couldn't really get a straight answer.) I was livid.

Believe it or not, I'd just attended a "significant" high school reunion of my own, and had taken mine along to the event, and people I barely even knew were thrilled to glance through it ~ I'm so glad I hadn't done anything to deface it...

Obviously, I couldn't "undo" what he had already done, and I let him keep it, but I decided that if he didn't care to treat it as a keepsake, I wouldn't spend money to buy one in the future. Instead, what I've done is to "borrow" a yearbook from a classmate, and made xerox copies of the pages my son appears on.

He actually just completed his Senior year, and I decided (unbeknownst to him) to order an actual book, figuring he may really want to look at it "down the road" but I won't actually give it to him until he's in college, and can appreciate it more.

I realize how upsetting this is to see a book damaged and to see what is written in it about other folks, but the book was purchased for her. Unfortunately, she is the one that has to live with what she has done. I don't think that you should purchase another book for her, she needs to deal with what she has done. I believe that she has fallen under the peer pressure thing of MS...She will be the one who will have to explain to her friends what happen to "johnny's picture"....I believe once you and she have calm down you will be able to talk about how sad it will be when she goes to look at this book, 10 years from now....Just chalk this up to..The Middle School Years....

My daughter did the same thing in 5th grade and I blew up. When I demanded that I see the entire book, she proceeded to tear it up. Finally, I rescued the pages, sent her to her room and put the book away for safe keeping.

When we both calmed down (it was a day or two before we could talk about it), we discussed the issue. One of the issues we discussed is how this was bullying and disrespectful. It was especially distressing to me that number of kids that received SPED services and are often out of the classroom were targeted. Her own brother fits this profile and we discussed how these kids may find it difficult to connect when they are away from the mainstream most of the day. We also talked about how this kind of bullying can happen on IM - something she had been begging for.

I remember that she was not able to get a screen name that summer as a consequence. I don't remember if there were other consequences, but it hasn't happened again.

I was so disappointed in my daughter. I realized then how "immature" and thoughtless they can be at that age. These situations are teachable moments. I wish that the learning came more naturally!

I did save the book and gave it back to her later that summer. When she looks at the ripped and rumpled pages, I think it is a good reminder of her mistake.

Hi Tigher,

Wow, I can see what made you angry and I can see how hurt and confused your daughter is since she realized how far apart the ideals of you and her friends are! She wants to please both ~ who wouldn't at that age! Maybe "Xing" out other kids isn't so bad ~ maybe she and her friends have been "Xed" out of other books and she knows and accepts it. Then again, it isn't nice, is a waste of a beautiful yearbook and has caused you to react to protect the dignity of your family and your morals. All that is wrong. Anything that dehumanizes/compromises integrity of another is wrong, definitely wrong.

Allow for "calm down" time. Probably this has happened by now and you can both talk. A woman recently lost her daughter to suicide when the daughter was duped into believing she had a boyfriend over the Internet then dumped by same and called "weird". We are all weird in our own way and wonderful, too.

Tell her to be a leader among her peers and teach her to lead them away from harmful behavior. If you belong to a church don't be hesitant to talk to the pastor. Children act like they don't want rules but they really respect another child who is willing to stand up for what is right. Tell your daughter this and she will listen. It sounds like she wants to please you but is afraid to go against your peer group. She probably just needs moral support.

Good Luck.

It's a memento whether spoiled or not that she will never have again if you throw it out.
I think she made a mistake but I doubt she will do that again.
I would give her back the book and explain next year she will purchase the book with her own money and that you have expectations of not drawing on the pictures. If you need to repruchase one; I would make her use her own money.
Too me she sounds like a good kid otherwise who made a silly mistake goofing around with her peers. I remember the exact same thing happening when I was in grade 8. In fact this has given me a great idea to pull up my old ones and show my daughter some of the comments people wrtote. Its a good reminder how something seemed funny at the time but in retrospect its really tacky and silly(escpecially when people use bad language).

I wanted to clarify my respone. I probably would have reacted in a very similar manner. In my daughter's school, if anyone X's out pictures or writes defamatory comments and it is reported...they automatically loose the yearbook to the school and could face other consequences. My sugggestion was offered as one possible compromise.

I think you did exactly the right thing. I hope that your daughter is a good girl, beyond the mean girl antics, and your response shows that is what you expect from her.

I do think the weakest excuse is "everyone is doing it". This is not true and only certain people she would follow. So this statement can be flushed out more. Unfortunately her group of friends is doing this and most likely following one or two girls (sadly, the mean girls usually have other girls as followers).

I've recommended to another mom to read Queen bees and wannabes and Reviving Ophelia. Don't give up your loving, kind daughter without a fight. She's going through a lot of changes but losing her authentic self to these groups of mean girls is just not okay.

All the best,

Melissa

Could you buy her the yearbook and have her do extra chores or find some way for her do some sort of work to reimburse you for the $38 for the new year book to replace the one she defaced?

Return to group discussion board >

Any contributed content above is the subjective opinion of that member or external author, and not of GreatSchools. GreatSchools does not check for accuracy in community posts or verify the contributor’s identity. If you are searching for health-related advice we strongly suggest you seek professional medical support. View our Community Guidelines for more details.

Los Angeles
Local Q&A Change City

How to find a good middle school for a boy with NVLD

How does public school enrollment work in Los Angeles? What do parents need to know?

How do I remove a school from my list?

Ask a question about Los Angeles >

Local Q&A is brand new! What do you think? Give us your feedback in our feedback forum.

Blind sided by that sweet little baby of mine....

Parent Replies to "Blind sided by that sweet little baby of mine...."

Change City

Los AngelesLocal Q&A Change City

Los Angeles
Local Q&A Change City