The 'lovely' internet....

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I have some questions that I need help with. First of all, let me just explain that I am a mother of three boys: 20, 18 and 11. It is my 11 year-old that is making me pull my hair out.

I forbid him to have a 'my-space'. It is blocked on the computer, so that is done. Now the problem is 'face-book and MSN messenger'. Actually the real problem is one of his friends mothers. She is on my sons face-book as a 'friend'. This woman is in her late 40's!! She has what I consider 'inappropriate' material on her face-book. Things like half naked pictures of Van Diesel having oil poured all over him and talking about 'fast driving, but slowwww lover'. She swears from time to time. But mostly she is just your plain average 'trash'. Her husband is an alcoholic (I don't know about her). Her daughter (11 years old) has web pages that say things like "Death to the b**** that tries to take my man" and pictures of herself that say "Sexy b****".

My son is friends with her nephew whom she is raising. Why? So glad you asked!! Because his father and mother are in jail for selling drugs. Perfect!! Both her daughter and nephew talk about running away from home because of the alcohol abuse and the fighting (my son told me this).

This woman 'let's call her Jane', is appalled that I look at my sons face-book. I wrote to her using my sons face-book. I said that he wasn't going to be allowed to use face-book any longer because of some of the material on it. I also added that perhaps the adults should not be added as children's 'friends'. And that I did not think it was appropriate.

'Jane' had a fit. She wrote back (on my child's face-book), that those who stick there noses in other people's business may get their noses 'broken'. Classy, huh?? She also went on to say that I must be a very unhappy woman, etc....

Okay, so here's the thing....I decided to let my son have his face-book back, but I deleted her off of his friends list and told him that NO adults were allowed on it.

Now I find out that she is corresponding with my son via MSN messenger!!! And she is having conversations with him regarding ME!!! She is saying to him that I must be very unhappy; it is wrong of me to go through my child's face-book; that my son is a wonderful child and I should 'cut him some slack'.

So, here's my question to you guys.....am I wrong to think that it is weird and unhealthy for this woman to be corresponding with my son?? He is supposed to go over to his friends house tomorrow and as much as I don't want to 'take it out' on my son or his poor friend, I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS FAMILY!!! Am I over-reacting?? My son is very mad at me right now. I am questioning my feelings and my gut. What would you guys do?? How can I get my son to understand that this is 'wrong'?? Or do you guys think that 'I' am the one who's wrong??

Thank you so much for listening!! Please give me some advice....

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Parent Replies to "The 'lovely' internet...."

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We live in interesting times...
When I had reservations about the families of my son's friends, I'd have my son invite the friends over to our house. A strange family does Not have to mean the child is strange - some children rise above their background and we all have different ways.
So for the friends whose families had ways so different from ours that it made me uncomfortable, the friend were welcome here if they could conform to the house rules here. No bad language etc.
That system worked well. My son was still able to enjoy his friends, I was able to keep him out of their families' houses and away from their strange parents. His friends from such homes seem to enjoy a break from them.
No one was insulted, no one was hurt. Strange families rarely asked "why can't Tommy come play here?" but seemed rather relieved to have their child playing somewhere else.
Your son is likely feeling flattered that this older women is taking an interest in him. You might want to explain to him that's it's both inappropriate and rather odd for an adult women to use him as a means by which to complain about you.
Good luck with this - we live in actually very interesting times....

Your have every right to protect your children from predators and that is what this woman is. I have gone through similar situations and not so very long ago with my own son who is now 17. He got into trouble on yahoo and on Utube. We took the internet away from him altogether and he was not allowed to use the computer at all except for homework and in the room with either me or his dad. It was not easy for him to understand but we got past it and so did he. The use of the internet is not a right it is privilege and anytime a privilege is being abused or is putting your child or your family at risk then you have the right to take it away. You won't be the bad guy for long. You are the parent you have every right to so no. There may be laws against what this woman is doing. I would contact local law enforcement and or your local child protectives services office to find out if they can help you too. At the very least I am sure that they could give you some good information.

Get your son away from this woman immediately...and if that means losing the friend etc just do it....what she is doing is really really really wierd and no emotionally healthy mother would cross the lines she has crossed. I think she is grooming him and it could take months or years...but she may be trying to put herself in a position to get him to turn against his own parents if he does not like your rules...I have seen it before with teenagers and friends parents or teeneagers and youth pastors who overstep their boundaries. ALSO....keep a record of everything she has writen to your son....hopefully you will not need it....but if you ever had to get the police involved you will need it. AGAIN....get her and that family out of your lives!!!!As far as the internet...I can't give advice...we are keeping it out of son's life as long as possible...we do not have any of the things you described because we like the simplicity and control we get of what is allowed to enter our home by not having any of the techno stuff..I had a client tell me I needed to be on linked in for my career and I told him "no way" I am happy with my privacy!

Hi Keliki and welcome to GreatSchools.

I can understand your concern regarding this unsavory influence on your son. If a 40-something adult were to walk into your home and disrespect your parenting, you wouldn't let them stay in your living room and continue, would you?

Internet "friendships" are tough, because kids love to hang out totally unsupervised. But I'd install the software that records every keystroke and TELL your son that you did it. I'd tell him he's to block her on his instant messaging programs, email, and social networking. Have your older boys help you set up the tracking software, if you need to. As others have suggested, the computer must be visible to others from other rooms.

If the friend comes to your house, so be it, but it is wholly inappropriate for a 40-some-year-old to strike up conversations with an 11-year-old solely for the purpose of undermining your parental authority.

Make sure your sons are with you when you have this conversation, because their support will be crucial so that your youngest doesn't try to get on their computers or undo the software.

You might even compromise by creating a privately set (so no one he doesn't invite personally) Facebook type page for him to load pictures and talk to his real life friends. Get the password, and make sure you have access and keep tabs on what he's doing.

Good luck.

I agree that what this woman is doing is very inappropriate. You have some good suggestions about how to deal with this situation appropriately. I'd also suggest, at least until things smooth over, only allowing your son and the woman's nephew to play together under your supervision, i.e. your house.
It makes me sad to think about this little boy growing up without his parents around. That must be so hard on him. Maybe you and your son can be positive influences in his life.
Get the spyware software, keep the computer in a mutual space, like the living room or kitchen, and let your son know you'll be monitoring his usage until this woman backs off. Avoid getting into a back and forth with her too, that will never go anywhere and she'll only succeed into pulling you further into her drama.
Good luck!! Let us know how things turn out.

Also, check out our page Media and Your Child:
www.greatschools.net/content/mediaChoices.page
There are some great articles on how to deal with kids and internet issues.

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