Acing The Dreaded Parent Teacher Conference

Dreaded Teacher Conference
By: Tonya Foust Mead

So, you’ve been called by your child’s teacher, principal or dean of student for a parent-teacher conference?
Are you prepared to be admonished for failing to help your child with his/her homework? Roughed up because you don’t read to your child regularly? Allow him/her to watch too much television or play endless video games?

Parents Fight Back
Don’t fear. Use this meeting as a platform to fight back. You do have rights. Yes, your child is in the charge of the school 6-8 hours per day. School personnel shape your child’s habits, monitor his/her behaviors and provide much more reinforcement (positive or negative) during the daylight hours than you ever could. Many parents work twelve to fourteen hour days, leaving less than 30 minutes to 1 hour of daylight time to have a direct impact on the life of their kids.

Prepare Before the Meeting
To deflect negative criticisms of your perceived lack of parenting skills and your child’s alleged discipline or poor behavioral problems requires prior planning.

First, talk with your child. Refrain from making accusations.
• What is his/her side of the story?
• Does he/she find it difficult to learn with this particular teacher?
• Ask for suggestions for ways to help him/her improve the situation at school.
• Is peer pressure a problem?
• Would a change of class or teacher help to resolve the teacher’s concerns?

Second, jot down a list of questions. Ask general questions such as:
• What is the student- to- teacher ratio?
• Does your school have open enrollment?
• What math book do you use?
• What type of correction methods do you use? Self, Group, or Teacher?
• What classroom interventions do you employ prior to involving others (like the principal, dean of students or counselor)?
• How many times do you issue warnings?
• Can you give me examples of the behavior you are indicating?
• Is my child the only child exhibiting this type of behavior?

Third, take notes during the meeting.
• What is the teacher or principal’s message?
• Separate your emotions about your child (disappointment, anger, indignation), from the presenting problem (your child’s academic performance or behaviors).

Fourth, reflect upon the message. Look for a joint solution.
• Have you noticed similar behaviors at home?
• What strategies have worked well for you in changing this behavior?
• What could you do differently at home to improve your child’s situation at school?

Examples:
 More supervision,
 More focused attention and one-on-one time,
 Increased or decreased involvement with other caretakers,
 Improved communication,
 Greater or less emphasis on school, academic performance, and grades,
 More periodic check ins (check in regularly rather than waiting until the end of the grading period to review academic progress),
 A change in the circle of friends, and/or
 Improved structure and regular routine at home.

Fifth, request for an individual intervention plan from the school.
• Ask the teacher to reflect upon ways in which she might modify her teaching style.
• Could the teacher change the class seating arrangement (closer or further away from friends or nearer to the front)?
• To increase/decrease the times in which your son/daughter is called upon to answer questions before the class?
• Might the teacher take 5 minutes before or after the class to answer your child’s questions about the day’s lesson?
• To refrain from correction/overcorrection of work before his/her peers?
• To increase the number of positive statements in class?
• To vary teaching methods to include visual, auditory and kinesthetic.
• Lower or raise his/her voice; or slow or speed the pace of instruction?

Teachers and Parents as Partners
Remember, school personnel are your partners. Don’t dread the parent-teacher conference. Instead use it as an opportunity to put the teachers to task. It is your child’s birthright, for you to provide an abode for him/her, to guarantee that he is properly clothed, fed and to ensure his emotional well-being. In the same vein, it is your right as a taxpayer and supporter of the public school system to expect that your child is properly educated in accordance with his/her individual strengths. It will not be given freely, you must fight for it.

Dr. Mead, PhD, MBA, MA is a consultant specializing in human behavior, school and social psychology.

Parent Comments on "Acing The Dreaded Parent Teacher Conference"

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Don't worry.. teacher won't bite :)

Don't worry about it, I'm sure you already have an idea what the teacher will discuss.

take care seehim. see you around soon....;)

knowledge my comment was not directed at you had great advice and alot of good ideas .

blacklion and others- no offense taken. i'm a work in process. trying to find the balance between softness/hardness. i'm thanking this forum for the opportunity to share and offer differing viewpoints-- all with the aim of empowering and inspiring .

honestly this Lady came down on you like she was the teacher and you were at a badPTC conference. chill out as my son would say Not to me of course. Every ones just trying to help.

This is great - thank you

Janette-

Some background info on me. I have 4 children in the education system (Kindergarten, 1st, 10th & College Sophomore). The two oldest are my stepchildren, but I see them as my own. One of the younger ones has a developmental disability (not learning disability). I'm beginning to think the other younger one has an attention disorder. Up until last year, I was cursed to have no less than 8 PTC's per school year for all my kids. I've had plenty of times where the teacher has implied that we could be doing better as parents. (You'd think that since it was private school they would sugarcoat it a little since we pay them, but the basic sentiment goes from 'You could do better' to 'You should make enough to pay someone to tutor better.') So as far as what I've had to deal with, I've been there.

My intention was to convey the idea that you, as the parent, hold all the cards. When we had to do interviews for kindergarten, everyone was stressed about whether or not my kids could read before they began attending. We even heard some schools talking about the number of kids they have working with advanced specialists because they were already reading. My opinion is one of that, my child doesn't need to know how to read before even starting school. If they begin learning halfway thru kindergarten, I'm fine with that. I have no qualms or worries that my child can't be a doctor or lawyer because the could read 'See Spot Run' their first day of school. It doesn't matter to me how much the teacher implies that we could get my child involved in specialized tutoring, because at the end of the day I want my children to just enjoy school and not worry about what they learned (or didn't) in class. For my older kids, I do pay a little more attention to what the teachers say. Not because I care about their opinion, but I have my own plan and agenda for how well I'd like them to place in entrance exams as well as advance in college.

As long as you are doing what you believe to be correct and use common sense, don't worry about it. You know where and with what you should be doing better. Let those be the topics that you get suggestions from the teachers on how to fix. Normally the teachers will see an aspect of your child's academic personality that you are unaware of. They could be studying at home but texting and passing notes in class, you would never know. Go into the PTC with an open mind. Nothing is set in stone, especially your own view of yourself as a parent. Don't let your own position on the value of your parenting skills be swayed by someone who spends a total of a half hour with you per year. Hardly enough for them to form an opinion as to whether or not your parenting skills are good.

Lastly, is the LD your child has diagnosed? Have you had a frank discussion about it with the school (teachers, principal, the board)? I can imagine that it would be hard to go into a PTC if the teacher is comparing your child to one that doesn't have a LD. Sort of like accusing a kid in a wheelchair for not getting up and dancing and then saying his parents don't 'motivate' him enough. The standard they are using is unrealistic. Could be that your child is a star performer, an overachiever when the expectations are realistic.

Obviously the previous poster has never been hauled up before a teacher or principal and basically told, "Your child is failing and it's ALL YOUR FAULT."
Oh, they don't say it straight out, but the tone and implication are there just the same. And it's awfully hard to work cooperatively with the school when they've not only said your child (the kid you love more than anything and would gladly die for) is substandard, they imply you are a substandard parent.

Hey, my seven-year-old goes to church regularly, eats healthy meals, gets enough sleep, and I work with him on his schoolwork EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. He's behind because he has a significant learning disability, not because he doesn't take responsibility or because he has slackard parents.

Tonya (or Dr. Mead if you prefer)-

Please don't take this a a personal attack on you. You have obviously put in a lot of time and effort to get where you are in life and the list of degrees you have is impressive. But I disagree with the tenets you describe in your advice.

I think a lot of your suggestions are good, but they come from the wrong stance. Since when did it become the school system's responsibility to educate our children? The last time I checked, everything that has to do with my child is MY responsibility and I have as many public or government services I need to aid me in that endeavor that I avail myself of. I'm only 34 but I can't believe that the societies expectations of parents has dropped this much since I was in school. If my child doesn't learn at least the basics of what they need to survive in the world, then I consider it a failure on my part, not the school system. Yes, it is hard. Inflation this past year has made it even harder to keep up. Excessive debt and greed on all sides has created problems for people they never thought they would have. At the end of the day, all of that just sounds like noise. Above it, at the back of my mind, I hear my father's voice saying, "Yeah, it's hard. Quit looking for excuses and get it done." And that is what I do. I go and see/learn/do what I need to plan better. Work better. Live better. If my child's teacher want to point out areas that I need to work on, then I listen. They should be things I already know about, but everyone once in a while they mention something I hadn't caught at home. I don't need to be defensive because what is there to defend against? Becoming a better parent for my child? Once the teacher has told the message, I take them for what they are ... suggestions. I still decide what is best and how I want my child to be educated. If I don't want or like a particular aspect I let the teacher know. The school system works for me, not the other way around. If it helps, imagine the PTC as a meeting between you (the boss) and your employees (both the teachers and your child). One of your employees (teacher) complains about how the other one (your child) is doing their job. You may listen, even decide to implement some new controls, but at the end of the meeting, YOU decide who does what.

I have 2 young children who both attend a prestigious elementary private school. I also have two older ones that have attended both public and parochial schools. I understand the need and the desire to want the best environment (low student/teacher ratio, best textbooks, latest curriculum) for my children. Once the school year begins though, my school selection process is over. From that point on, I expect my children to put in the effort necessary to learn under the circumstances I've selected. I never attended a private or parochial school during my childhood. It didn't matter to my parents how many kids were in the classroom but one, ME. I was to be present in body and mind no matter what the other kids were doing. If I came home with bad grades and said, "It's because the other kids were doing so-and-so," that excuse would not fly.

No offense, but this advice sounds like a trainer for 'helicopter' parenting. I can't imagine that parents suddenly swoop in, once they see the need for 'change' in the classroom just because little Johnny or Sandy is now having trouble in the class. If the class needs work, then it needs work regardless of what their child is doing. Don't wait and make it an issue when your child is falling behind. That will only give them (and you) an incentive to make excuses later when life doesn't go the way it's planned. At some point, everyone has to be accountable for how they handle problems, including the kids we want to protect so much. Which will we help them do, to exceed or just make excuses? Eventually all these children will grow to be adults, they will be responsible for shaping the outcome of humankind in the near term. Will we have created a generation that pushes on, no matter what problems or difficulties, or one that makes excuses?

Related keywords: communicaton, ptc, teachers

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