Help, join in school activities anyway you can. You as any person are already part of the community. Be part of the family is only up to you!!!

I am going to court in June for visitation with my grandson. In Ark Gov. Beebe just signed a new Bill giving Grandparents Rights! A lot of Grandparents doesn't know this because it was just done. FIGHT for the right that your grandkids deserve. To know their Grandparents. Parents useing their kids as weapons to hurt the Grandparents is hurting the children and it has to STOP! Grandchildren need their Grandparents in their life, that is if the grandparent is responsible. FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHT!

First of all, you need to evaluate yourself. Are you a control freak? If you are not, you have a great challenge on your hands, because you may be dealing with control freaks. I personally, have gone through this. My ex-husband was remarried and he went to court behind my back and got sole custody of my children. I was heart broken that a judge never even inquired about the children's mother. I had moved and never received a courtdate. Well, my ex's wife parents
owned a Christian school. I have two older children that also attended this school. Let me not ramble.
I used to work at the school as a kindergarten teacher.
I never got along with the pastor's wife, who at the time was the vice principal. When I got a divorce, my ex married this same woman's daughter. It was real crazy at first. I had to do a whole lot of praying. These two women acted as if I never birthed my two younger children into the world. They tried to take control of the whole situation. My ex allowed them to do this up until his mother in law went as far as to get a restraining order on me. When this occured, my ex was devastated and started operating differently. This woman is a pastor's wife. Her husband, who was my ex pastor, did not know anything about the restraining order. Now mind you, I used to work for this woman who was a complete control freak. Recently, she phoned me and told me that the Lord told her to call me and to apologize. Only the Lord knows what this woman and her daughter have taken me through. My children no longer attend her school. They are older now and my two younger children cannot stand her or her daughter (which is their stepmom).
They have grown to realize that both of these woman have some serious issues. My children will soon be grown. I know things will drastically change at this point, and I cannot wait until the Lord vindicates me for the suffering these two women have taken me through. Remember these were not my grandchildren, these were my very own children. You need to have a serious talk with your son and tell him how you feel about the whole situation. I would then talk to his wife and to his wife's mother. It is truly unbelievable how women want control over other women's children. I would never in my life try to keep a chilld away from his mother or grandmother if I was a stepmom or stepgrandmother. My daughter tried to keep her daughter away from her dad's family and I told her that she was wrong and that she had better do something about it. My daugther did not want me to be on a friendly basis with my granddaughter's other grandmother. I cannot understand this type of thinking. People truly need to look past their own selfish needs and pain to do what is best for the children involved. My advice to you is to keep on loving your grandchildren. Call them, email them, write them. Never stop demonstrating your love. Even through the pain, the Lord is going to eventually show your grandchildren the truth. I am a living witness, my children totally understand now. They love me and I know that they would do anything in their power to take care of me when I get older because I never stopped loving them in spite of all of the unnecessary drama. In retrospect, my ex used control over my children as a weapon because I left him and he allowed his new wife and mom to take cold advantage. When I stepped back and did not give them what they wanted, they had to operate a whole different way. The Lord will vindicate my children for all the suffering these women have taken them through as well. I want you to know that God cares and that he understands the language of tears and every broken heart. Be blessed.

Helpful Grandma - I am sure that anything anyone here says does not bring comfort to your heart. But like many others have alluded to here, I would check with someone concerning grandparent rights. I have found that AARP has a lot of information concerning grandparent rights. And depending upon where you live and resources, Legal Aid may be able to assist you. And don't be overwhelmed by the legal system if you choose to go that path. You don't really have to have an attorney - there are many self-help legal centers available to assist you.

But more importantly, you have to take careof yourself. Do you go to church? I have found in my situation that the only thing that gives me a peace is turning it over to the man upstairs. Sometimes that is hard to do, but in the long run, we don't have any control over other people or the situation.

My prayers are for you and others here that are dealing with this same difficult siuation.

Grandparents usually always get the short end of the stick. I on the other hand am raising a grandchild completely with NO help of any kind from mom and dad. Dad abandoned the situation and mom is physically disabled. My advice to you would be, remind your grandchildren that you love them and hopefully visit them. Aside from that, your son has to live with the Jealous wife, so apparently she has to have her own way. Be patient and let your family know you are there for them. But be careful, that is what I did, now they live with me. HA HA HA. Oh well, I love my kids! Good Luck, I am sure it will turn out for the best.

volunters help more then thay may think . the kids need some one to look up to and a way to look at life and what beater way to look at life then to see that people care and that your not alone in the world.

Helpful Grandma,
After reading your recent posts and hearing how lonely for your family you and your husband are, especially with the holidays coming, I have a suggestion.
Consider volunteering your time at a boys or girls group home. I got the idea from my in-laws who, aside from doing foster care, spend a lot of their free time at a group home for boys in their area. These kids have no family and regular visitors mean the world to them. Last Christmas my father in-law took a bunch of presents to the boys home and spent hours there.
It might be just the thing you need to feel better this holiday season.

thanks helpfulgrandma,you to are a wonderful grandma you love your grandbabys alot and want to be with them every moment,i say that is true love for your babys.i hope all goes well for you.im praying you get to hold and see your grandbabys soon,all my love to you and your grandbabys,debra

To Debra Sue,
Thank you for sharing that with me. I know it must have been hard to tell it. But I too, would take in those babies in a heartbeat should something happen to where they had no place else to go. Boy, would that just make my world complete. You were a very good grand daughter to care for them both. I took in my Daddy in 2004 when his melanoma cancer he was fighting could no longer be held at bay. I cherish spending everyday with him, taking care of him, watching him sleep as I sat in the rocker in his room in my home. Knowing that soon he would no longer be here for me. He was my best friend, literally; I had no girlfriends to hang with - I worked with my Daddy for 26 years until we both retired together and we spent 7 wonderful years together, everyday doing just whatever; movies, TV, crossword puzzles, saw every movie that looked worth watching, eating out, sharing our favorite ice creams and going to the casino. He was very well known there and very generous and everybody loved him. Weird thing is, I have a mother, his wife, who refused to take care of him because it was going to be "too much trouble for her". I had the pleasure and enjoyment of spending his last hard year with me. I'm glad he asked to come home with me and get me out of his house, he knew mother was not taking care of him and giving him too much drugs to keep him 'out of it'. He held my hand and ask me to take him home. Next morning, 7am, I did. He never looked back at the house he had lived in with his wife. Hard times came, embarrassing for him and he once said, "What a daughter won't do for her Daddy". He would stoke my long hair as I sat next to him, saying nothing, but I read the volumes of love and thank yous and goodbyes in his eyes. I was standing next to his bed when he took his last breathe. I laid in the bed next to him for hours until the men from the funeral home had to pull me from him out of his bed. I was not ready for them to take him. He was still mine. As the hurse drove from my driveway down the street I yelled "Bye Daddy, I'll see you soon, OK?" That was June 2005 and I still have a hard time dealing with his loss. Now, thinking of this, it makes me wonder... who will take care of me when I get old or sick if my husband goes first. My son is all I have and I know where he stands with me. I can't count on him. If God would be so kind as to just let me go to sleep one night and not wake up, I would be most grateful. Again, thank you for your story of your wonderful grandparents taking care of you and then you taking care of them. You were their Angel from the moment you were born until their last breathe. I envy that relationship, you were so fortunate to have so much love that you knew about and then returned it to them when they needed you most. What a wonderful granddaughter you were. There is a place in Heaven for people like you.
Grandma

my heart breaks for you,this so sad.if you were my mom i would let you see your grandbabys,you deserve to see them and they deserve to see you.have you seen are talked to someone that could tell you your rights as a grandparent.i would think that grandparents have rights as well as the parents.noone should be shut out of their grandkids lives,they need to see you as much as you need to see them.im pulling for you,i hope you get to wrap your arms around those babies soon.

To Grandparent505,
I know everyone tells me to get on with my life and do something else to keep me busy. I try, but the simple act of driving my car down the street with all of the homes and stores lit up for Christmas is almost unbearable. I can't wait for it to be over. Again, I will not get to see them or give them my presents and see their faces light up for yet another Christmas. It's just me and my husband, no one else, so it's hard to be excited about the holiday when we will spend it alone again this year and many more to come.
Grandma

your welcome helpful grandma,i know as i child i wanted to be with both my grandparents.see my mom didn't raise me,she remarried when i was 5 and she had a new baby and i got kinda left out,and i didn't get along with my step dad,so i ask my grandparents could i live with them and they said yes i stayed with them till i was 20 and i got married and my grandad got sick and i moved back to take care of him and my grandma.my grandad has been gone for 10 years and 3 years ago i lost my grandma.but i lived with her until she left this world.i wouldn't have been happy if i could not have been with or seen my grandparents.they meant the world to me and i miss them everyday.grandparents love is the best thing ever.i hope you will not be shut out of your grand kids life forever,they need you like you need them.i hope your son will wisen up and come around.he is not only hurting you,he hurting those grandbabys.i know how much i loved mine i know they love you the same way.good luck and my prayers will always be with you.from some one who loved her grandma,i hope things go your way grandma.

To Debscarj,
I certainly hope you are right and I hope it will be soon. The emptiness in my heart pains me everyday.
Grandma

To Parentadvocate,
We think alike. I keep a journal of each time I send them something or make an attempt to contact them. I have a large box with everything they ever made while they were at my house. When they are older, they can read the journal and realize that I did not abandon them, it was their parents choice to shut me out. I write in my journal often of things I'd like to be doing with them, special events that have come to town that I would normally take them to and my thoughts of just how much I am missing them and have never stopped thinking of them. When they do get to read it, I already wonder if they will resent their parents or just read it casually like a book of fiction. They are forgetting me and the fun things we used to do. I hang on to every memory, write them down for them to see someday, but will it mean as much to them, then, as it does to me now?
Grandma

Debra Sue,
Thank you for your prayers and considerate heart. You know exactly where I am coming from. I had 2 grand mothers I loved very much and my parents made a special effort to see that we saw both sets quite often. It's my right to be special to them and they love me dearly. I won't be around forever, my son is just wasting precious time.

Grandma

Dear Catworld2008,
Well, I guess you could say I'm ignoring her in a way...we never speak. They never call or come over and there is never a chance to tell the kids that we are trying to see them but that we are not allowed to. My son has told me not to call him, come over, or email him anymore. I have no contact abilities at all to speak with my grand children. They disconnected their home phone lines and only use their cell phones so that the kids can't make a call or answer one from us. They have shut us out completely. I'm at a loss for words.
Grandma

I'm rooting for you helpful grandma,i hope everything goes good for you and you can be apart of your grand kids lives again.god bless you.you are in my prayers and thoughts.keep me posted on this.i hope your son will come around and let you be in your grandbabys lives.every kid needs there grandma,i wish mine was still here i adored my grandma.

Gram,
I know 9 years is alot of years but they will be knocking at your door and when they do TELL them the truth.
Keep all records. Let them make their own conclusions. Some times what our children don't understand is that things can come back and bite them right in the rear. It will happen, watch and see.

Thanks Debra, I may take you us on that some day. All I do all day is think about them, wishing I could see them again and squeeze them so tightly I'd never want to let go.

Thanks, Grandma

Yes, you are right. The new wife is the step-mother to my first two grand children - the ones I kept fof 6 years. New wife also has 2 by my son and says she'll never let them come over to see me. We hardly know these 2 at all. New wife is the BOSS and what she says, goes. My son has always been unable to have a say in what goes on in situations, besides, he feels the same way and refuses to let us see any of them.

Grandma

Dear Parentadvocate,
We actually did go as far as to hire an attorney and begin proceedings for visitation right since they were just passed last July in Tennessee. Both my son and his ex wife (mother of his first 2, the ones I kept for 6 years) were served their subpoena that we were suing for grandparents rights. My son's ex-wife actually called him and asked if they could go in together and hire an attorney and fight against me. Of course, he said no---she would never end up paying her half of the fees and he knows it-she never pays for anything. Then my son gets his wife, the new one, to call me and say they are willing to let us see them some at places like McDonald's or Chuck E. Cheese for 30 minutes to an hour maybe once a every couple of months. We said no, we're used to having them over here, they all have their own bedrooms and toys galore they never get to play with. Both sets of parents stalled and stalled the courts by not producing the evidence the courts asked for, they never even hired an attorney and my son even begged me to drop it because he didn't have the money for an attorney. I said, "Too bad, if you'd act right and let us see the kids you wouldn't need an attorney, we could settle this out of court with my attorney. He didn't like that idea either and said he was NEVER going to let ANYONE TELL HIM WHEN HE HAS TO LET HIS KIDS GO SOMEWHERE and threatened me to make up any excuse he could come up with to tell the judge so that the judge would rule against me. My own son was going to lie and make false accusations about me just to keep them from me. About a month later, case still in process, he called and said we could come to chuck e cheese and see the kids for a little while. We jumped on the visit and when we got there he only had 2 of his kids, not all 4. We of course enjoyed seeing them and playing with them and at the end of the visit, my son looked me square in the eyes and said if you continue with this and make me have to get an attorney, I'll tell them you're crazy and suicidal and abusive to my kids and they'll believe me. I was flabbergasted by his disrespect and after days of crying and deliberating about it my attorney told us we may as well drop it because the MOST the judge would give us after my son spoke out would be maybe once a month for maybe 30 minutes - SUPERVISED BY MY SON. So we dropped it. Christmas 2007 came and went, no grand children, no phone call and then on April 27, 2008, my son called and said they would come over and let the kids get their presents. The kids were excited about their gifts, of course, opening each one as fast as they could. All we wanted to do was to talk with them and hold them and love on them and tell them how much we miss and love them. My son told them all to NOT open up anything after they had seen the gift, just bag it up, we're taking it home. It was barely a 30 minute visit. I've never been treated so disrepectfully in my life and now here comes Christmas again. We expect no call or visit again. Thanksgiving was just another day to us. No phone calls to us on our birthdays and no THANK YOU calls from the kids for the gifts we mailed them for their birthdays. I don't think my son is ever going to change and include me in my grand children's lives. The oldest is 9 now, she has 9 more years before she can make her own decisions. I'm 53 and 9 years is a lifetime away. I have now taken down every picture of every grand chld from every room in my home as it breaks my heart everytime I look at one and also all of the pictures are from years ago when they were much littler. We never receive any new up to date pictures and don't expect any. My son never calls me, never lets the kids call me even though I send them cards, coloring books, calendars and Christmas books or a sample of vitamins I received at Costco. I doubt he even lets them have the cards and letters I send to them. I guess I should stop, I'm killing myself always expecting a nice phone call or visit. It will never happen. Of course, I'm hurting bad, but even worse, the first two that I kept for 6 years are very attached to me, or were, and I know this is killing them not getting to see us. What answer must my son be giving them when they ask why they can't come over any more. I'll never know.

Grandma

Sad and lonely, Once Helpful Grandma.
My wife and I are experencing the same. It has been very hard and there is nothing we can do to change things back to the way they were. Only in time can we heal from our loss and in the meantime, continue to volunteer at your second choice. Work at being happy, being alone. Ask for support from those who love you and let your grandchildren know you're here for them, always.
I hope this helps,
Grandparents in the distance.

I have four children & am divorced not a grandma yet as my kids are 21 & three are teens my mom watched my oldest son alot I did feel bad about it why I do not know she was a great mother and grandma my kids loved her alot I read your story and I feel like grandmas are not to be shut out look at all the grandmas all across the country that have had to step in and raise their grandbabies my ex sister in law is one of them her daughter I guess didn't want to take care of her 3 kids plus those kids dad drank alot and never helped out for things his own kids needed when they were babies those kind of fathers are dead beat fathers in my book well my kids dad was the same way with our kids he just didn't care but me I did my oldest son that is 21 hes out on his own been out in the world for awhile and been doing good he don't call me or tell me where he lives at he used to tell me he loved me but not now what is wrong with the kids today my youngest son hes 14 he always tells me he loves me well my oldest son did to until he got that age u know out on their own my two girls are 15 & 13
they used to tell me they loved me to but in the last 6 years we been apart I mean like dfs steping in and kidnapped my four babies & took them to abusive father & two nutty out of control Aunts he moved in with when he walked out on us way back then 6 years ago then just 16 weeks ago that nut of a father & his new young crazy nutty wife made a call & off to foster care my three youngest babies went I hear its only temporally as they did need counseling something they never got enough of when they were with that father & two of his sisters he was with so you see as time goes by & as my kids gets older I would love becoming a grandma I just love kids of all ages & love mine with all my heart I thought we all had a good relationship at one time I'm beginning to wonder now my girls don't even visit with me when I go a long ways to visit them @ the welfare office there my oldest daughter hangs up on me when I call them two my youngest son always talks to me & I write them all the time these ex in laws here needs to butt out & stop all the grap they been pumping into my kids heads my kids are good kids its just who they been around all these years your sons wife needs to back off you was the grandma before she got into the picture & I know you love your grand babies as I would if I had some someday I will please don't feel shut out talk to your son and his wife make them listen to you & you said u took care of his kids when they needed time to do things he needs to wise up & listen to you don't you give up on this ordeal I'm not giving up on my kids or my ordeal



I'm here if you wanna talk


Debra & kids here in Missouri

i agree with you parentadvocate.

Grandma
As a grand parent of two little boys that live miles away I hear you!
First I seriously think its time for a powwow. Ask your son to sit with you and his wife an discuss what has changed. TRY not to think critical but try to be open minded. If she is jealous she wont have a valid reason, if she does have a valid reason that would be the time to dicuss it openly and honestly. Tell her that you are not trying to take her place BUT to HELP her. That you realize she is not able to volunteer and you understand how that may make her feel.
Secondly ( on the Hush side) If I am reading this right, this is a step mother to your grand children? I would check with your state and family courts and see if you can get grandparent rights. Under the circumstances you just may have rights to those children. Check it out and good luck!

im so sorry helpfulgrandma,i let my motherinlaw see my kids anytime she wants.i love that she wants to be apart of her grandkids lives.your daughterinlaw sounds so mean,to say you make her sick.she tells you are crazy it sounds like she is.i hope your son will come around and tell her to mind her own buisness that your his mother and you have a right as a grandma to see your grandchildren.hang in there im praying for you.no mother are grandparent deseves to be treated that way.

I feel sorry for her! If I were you, just ignore her. Let your grandchildren understand that you are not competing with your new DIL. You are part of the family and they will recognize it.

I understand your goal being a very helpful grandma. Not everyone in the universe is so lucky to have you around in the family. However, you are stepping over your daughter-in-law's role over your granddaughter. Put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel? I suggest, you wait until you are being requested and invited. Your responsibility is to fill in what's being undone when they need you. Give your son a chance of being a parent as you were when he was little. In this way children will recognize the authority they have to follow and abide in the family. It's a conflict of power and authority when grandparents join raising the kids. You are not being shut out! You are the whole family's ANGEL to guide and watch them. For sure they love you being around...

I have a mother who is without her two grandchildren all I can say is god is watching all you have been through and one day when you least expect it they will be there.

The new DIL has already expressed her feelings to me that she is NOT looking to befriend a mother in law. I have asked her out to lunch before and she snaps back that she doens't need anyone to buy her lunch, much less me. She even told me to my face that I make her sick to her stomach when she comes around me. I've tried being nice, but I have numerous emails from her, cussing me, calling me psycho and unstable and crazy and Dotson't want HER children to be MY CURE. She has lot of cahonies to talk to her husband's mother, I'm close to her own mother's age.

The avenue of being a part of your grandchildren's lives is never closed. It is NORMAL to be included asa part of the family and I have been shut out.

Good suggestions, but I want to see MY grandchildren now like I used to. I have no desire to travel or take any classes. I just wait each day to see if someone will call and offer to bring them over or let us come see them.

My son's new wife (my daughterinlaw) is his 2nd wife, they now have 2 children. But my son married another 9 years ago and had 2 children with her. Those are the two I am so attached to because I kept them for 4 years since they were born. Their biological mother, who has full custody, does not have anything to do with ME, since my SON had an affair on her. So she is no help in letting us see the 1st two kids. The new wife has her own mother and sister living with them??? so that grandmother of the second 2 is always thereto see them and when my other 2 from 1st marriage visit my son, that grandmother also gets to see them. She can't even remember when their birthdays are. But she sure remembers the dates when her daughter had her 2 kids.

Thank you for your thoughts, Maggie. I have tried to talk with my son and he shut me up quickly and does not want to hear it. It wants it his way or no way, and he says he's happy with his way. He doesn't have to think about how he is hurting me and doesn't feel it is 'necessary' for the kids to spend the night like they used to. He is very hard to talk with and the daughter in law is usually standing right there telling him what to say or not say. I''m lost.

Thank you for your thoughts and caring. I need them!

Helpful Grandma

i hope your son will come around and let you be apart of their lives you need your grankids and they need their grandma.keep me posted on how things go my heart is with you i hope you will get to spend time with your grankids.

HelpfulGrandma,
Keep your head up maybe talk with your new daughter in law let her know you just want to be grandma, talk to your son let him know that you are deeply hurt, and if all else fails ask your son if you could have weekly visits with your grandkids. He owes you that much. I am deeply saddend about this story because I know so many kids that would love to have you as a grandma

Thanks very much for your comments. It was great advice. I have tried some of those words, but I always get interrupted and then my son flies off the handle telling me his wife doesn't have the mentality to understand that my wanting to volunteer and see the kids and have them back over to spend the night like they used to, is a good thing....she will think I am taking over her job. She has a job from day till late night. That sounds like a perfect time for them to be with their grandmother. I miss them so much.
Thanks for caring. I'm not paying any attention to rclayton1 up there....there's no avenue that can compare with being close to your grandchildren while you are still here. I won't last forever. Thanks.!!!!

Thank you for that. That is exactly what I used to do when the first two were little. I had a key to their apt. I would be there before they left for work so they didn't have to feed or change the baby and when they got home, their bed was covered in 10 loads of clean, folded laundry. I would go out anywhere I wanted during the day with my baby granddaughter and when it was close to having one of them come home....you guessed it, I had cooked their dinner for them. How soon they forget. The new daughter in law IS the problem and my own son takes her side and won't defend me or allow me to see them on her say.
Thanks for your nice comments.

i agree with maggie93215,your sons the one with the promblem.i think if you want to go to your grandsons school and help out you should be able to.i let my mom go to all my childrens actvities and help with school programs.i think grandparents should be involved.grandparents are great and grandkids love them.i miss mine.i would never tell my mom she couldnt be apart of their lives.i love my mom to much to do that.i would tell my son how much it hurts you when he says he doesnt want you to be apart of their games even if he is married again your still the grandma,you have a right to be apart of their life.

helpfulgrandma,
I am so sorry that your son is treating you this way. Your son is the one with the problem! I have the best in-laws, my husband and I are working parents, I work m-f 8-230 and my husband works sun-wed, 96hr week, on on the days he is not home my mother in-law watches my 7month old like she did with my two other boys. My oldest called her little mama, it didn't bother me a bit (maybe because I was close to my own grandmother) on the days when she is not babysitting she calls me to take my kids over or she'll come and pick them up. My father in-law is awsome, when I had my first son I was getting ready to go back to work and had a hard time finding a sitter my father in-law called my husband at work and said he had quit his job so that he could stay home and watch my son, so we wouldn't have to worry about a sitter and save money to buy our first house. My mother in-law has keys to my house in case of emergencies, (at that time I had two jobs) I would come home and see piles of my laundry folded on my bed, my sweet mother-in law would wash my clothes because she said I'd be tired when I got off of work. I am thankful everyday for the blessing that god has given to me great in-laws!
Family is important so your son needs to be man and put his foot down he used you when he needed you and now he is acting silly your new daughter in law needs to stop acting like a baby!

You sound like a very giving person. You must honor your new daughter in laws wishes in order to honor your family. You would not like it if someone dishonored your wish in order to fulfill their need, it sounds like you have a lot of life experience that just needs to be shared and you need to find that way that does not compromise anyone's feelings and wishes.
Be creative in fulfilling your need to contribute, even though this one avenue is closed to you look closely and see how many others are open to you.

Dear Sad and lonely Grandma,
I'm sorry you are enduring this. And THANK YOU for being a grandma who cares so much. Know that this is not you, or your doing. It is another's insecurity. So know you are fine and let that be of comfort. Also know, you will not "loose " your grand-kids. They are yours, no matter what their parent might say at this time. Also know, that it's difficult on a parent when a child ADORES anyone other than them. When you are not around, the kids probably go on and on about their wonderful Grandma! So, what to do? Do it gently and with great tact. Call up and ask when a good time to talk is for them. Then, keep it SHORT. AND SHORT and without too much emotion say, "One of the great pleasures of Grandparenthood is to do the things I couldn't do when my kids were little. And another is to give lots of attention and occasionally over-indulge and not have to deal with disapline! (Interject laugh here)!
Well, I am missing my grandkids v. much. Please know that I understand your feelings of wanting to "be there" for your kids and the need to work. But that's why God made grandparents! 'Cause mom's can't do it all! It's the natural order of things. Mom's "set rules, lay down laws etc ". Grandparents have free time, are patient and indulge. Kids are supposed to drive parents crazy with "I like Grandma Best" . That's the way it goes! So let's not deprive the kids of their Grandmother because of a tiny missunderstanding. And please don't deny me my grandchildren. I need to see them for my own well-being. One day, I will be gone, while i m here, please allow me to see them often. I love them and I love you too."

That's my two cents. But not sure it will work. You sound like a lovely soul, so perhaps you have already tried this ... I wish you happiness and I wish you see your grandkids soon and often.

Also Print out your profile, as there is alot inthere you need to analyze about your reasons for doing this.

Truly hope that this helps you... it is YOUR OWN WORDS.

I was researching volunteering at school and came across TWO advice comments written by you. I think you need to look at how you felt in the Sept 10 comment, and ask yourself some honest questions. Why am I insisting that I be allowed to do volunteering at my grandchilds school? You say WHY you do this, for your childrens praise and approval... and say you REGRET your kids grew up without you able to do things at school with them, your daughter in laws exact feelings. Have you told her the things you said here? Print out these two things, read them carefully, analysize your own words. They are YOUR OWN words.
I copied and pasted them here.....

HelpfulGrandma September 10, 2008
Volunteering at your grandchildren's school
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Volunteering to help out in any capacity at your grand-children's school is very important to me. I am the Grandmother, the one who has already sent my boys off to school every day way back when it was their time to go to elementary through high school, and then I would pick them up from the Daycare Center they went to after school. I MISSED OUT ON EVERYTHING IN THEIR SCHOOL YEARS. Since I was a professional executive for a large financial institution, my job demanded my full attention each weekday and I stayed with it for 26 years and made good money to raise my boys and contribute to the household income. I loved my job, but I hated it when notes came home from school stating there was a field day coming or that a teacher might need some help in her classroom and was looking for volunteers. I only got to go to the events that were at night, like PTA meetings or plays or their soccer and basketball games on the weekends. I wish I could have been available to give of my time when my sons were in school, but I worked as I'm sure a lot of young moms and dads do now. BUT, guess what???? Some of us lucky ones became grandmothers!!!! .... and we've since retired from our stressful, demanding jobs and now we are left with all of this time on our hands. New time, for the new grandchildren. This is our chance to give back and donate our help by volunteering in our grand-children's school in any capacity the school may need help in. I love to get a note from a teacher or principal asking for my help in the classroom or library or with a play or some activity at school or to be a chaperon at an off-school event. This is our time to show our son's or daughter's that we are wanting to be a large part of our grandchildrens' lives and hope that they realize that we really wish we could have done the same for them when they were going through school, but we were tied to our jobs and could not help out at their school, even though we wanted to.

I now have 3 grandchildren in school, Kindergarten, 1st grade and 4th grade. I do not work out of my home so I love to volunteer at their school as much as possible, and let me tell you, it feels wonderful when all of the children in your grandchild's room know your name and run up to greet you with a hug and a "Hi, Ms. Melly, I'm so glad you're here today. Will you be staying all day", or " Will you be in the library all this week?" It gives me such a warm feeling to know that I am welcomed by these tiny new growing children who really get excited when I come to help. It helps to have an outgoing personality that offers something special to the children at a level at which they can understand better and take to immediately. I often dress up as a 'character' when I am asked to read to the classes and the kids go bananas over the fact that I look entertaining to them. Who else will be a 'character' for them and show up in the classroom with jokes, new ways of reading to them and fun activities for them to do. I love to take art supplies to their classrooms and teach them something new that does not take too long, that they can take home with them and also replicate at their own home for their parents.

Just take a moment and think about what you feel comfortable doing for your grand-children's classroom and then JUST DO IT!!! It can be as small as taking in baked goods, juices or some art supplies the teacher may ask for outside the school's budget. Think about it, those are really easy simple things you can do to help out, the teacher's and faculty really need your help, in any way you can help. And if you have the outgoing, no holds barred personality like I do, you might even be asked to come to school as Mrs. Santa Clause and sit beside Santa when he makes his rounds to the schools for picture day. I have been Mrs. Santa Clause since my first granddaughter, now 9, started kindergarten. The school board simply asked me one day if I would like to be Mrs. Santa Clause, because they saw the enthusiasm I had for entertaining the children and they took a chance and asked me to do something out of the ordinary. They had never before had a Mrs. Clause for picture day, but they turned that simple request into an annual job I now have for ONE day of the year. I love my job as Mrs. Clause and plan to continue the part for as long as they ask me to do it. I have now also become Mother Goose, totally in costume, who comes and reads to the younger classes 3 days a week. You have no idea, until you try it, how good and warm it makes me feel when I am seen walking down the halls of the school looking for the next classroom, and children are gathering close to me, for just a hug, a pat on the head from a white gloved Mother Goose, or just a stare in awe from a child who can't believe he or she is seeing Mother Goose in THEIR school. It feels almost like being a celebrity, and in a way, I guess I am. When you are dressed as another person (Mrs. Clause), or a character (Mother Goose), you can let all your inhibitions fly right out the door and let that playful little girl you once were, come out and play again. Having had no formal acting classes, I can say I play the parts with all of heart and that's what makes it so easy to do, because out there, in that crowd of tiny people are 3 of my most precious fans.....my own grandchildren. Can you feel, what they feel, when they say to themselves or their friends......"That's MY grandmother up there!" That is what I am here for; to make them happy and to be something special to them. I'm already special to them because I am their grandmother, but this is a special memory they will have for the rest of their lives and they will tell their children about what Melly did when they were little and they too, might decide to do something like it for their grandchildren in the future. I'm leaving them a lasting, loving legacy as best I know how. You can too! Remember, they are a part of you and they are a part of their school and they would love for you to be one, too........ Give them a small part of you for their school, for their memories, leave them a lasting and loving legacy. Ta, ta for now, Mrs. S. Clause aka Mother Goose aka Melly

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I agree with your DIL and you son. You need to do volunteering somewhere else. You sound like a very caring loving grandma, but please do not allow this to add to the issues with your children. You can not MAKE UP for the past. Volunteer for a school in another area. Make it YOUR Project with NEW kids... just for you. (you obvilously love kids, and this type of activity and are good at it.) Do not do it to "repair the past" bad feelings, or possibly make new bad feeling with your family.
"Give you kids roots, and wings"... wings can be hard, but you should not control them, even it you are doing it for their own good or yours.

Another Grandma... Blessing to you.

Grandparents are a true blessing in a 2 income world. It takes the whole family to raise children these days, and if anything your time and willingness to play active role should be pleasing. But, don't discount your daughter in laws feelings. There are some women who are resentful of the fact they have to work and miss out on their children's childhood. She may be misplacing that resentment, but nevertheless, it should not be discounted. If anything, talk to her. Make sure she knows you don't want to replace her.

When you say "new" wife is she the mother of the children or step mom. And if she is the step mom, where does the biological mom play into this? What vibe do you get from the other grandmother?

You sound very caring. My father recently retired and is the volunteer driver for all my daughters volleyball team and other field trips. He was trilled to go with the grade 5 class to see a production of Grease and I was so happy he can share time with the girls and volunteer for the community. Something is not Kosher with this new wife.

Grandma:
Your feeling is OK. I think your son and wife will be in need of you one of these days and I am guessing your grandchildren have a lot of questions for their parents. Childcare is expensive and soon they will find out.

As one member suggested, speak with the principal and offer to help in the school. It can be any school in your school district or city hall. If you can afford, join senior club which offers opportunity to travel around the world or take courses in a community college. Does dating crosses your mind? (she smiles).

Stay strong and look around for something that works for YOU. Remember, you still have a meaningful life ahead of you.

Best wishes!

I am sorry to hear this. I am a working Mom of 2 and i personally would love for my kids grandparents even there great grandparents to be there for them, espically if i am not able to make it. I think it would be better for someone to attend a function than no one! I hope this works out for you, Best of Luck.

Dear Grandma,
It seems you need to have a conversation with your daughter-in-law.

I suspect that this issue is much deeper for you than being shut out at your grandchild's school. Your hurt feelings are very close to the surface, and I bet that it's very difficult for you to discuss it without feeling and probably even giving evidence of your emotions. But I think you have to try to distance yourself just a little before you tackle this further. Even though it seems like you are being unnecessarily shut out, perhaps this new arrangement (you reference that the wife is new) needs a little time before you make your next move.

So think carefully about how you want to proceed and let some time (maybe even quite a bit of time) go by.

It sounds to me like things have changed a lot for your son and his family and that they are learning new ways to do things. If that's true, then you'll need to learn how to be part of that new different set of relationships instead of expecting things to be the same.

In much of what you wrote above, you referenced talking to your son as the intermediary between his new wife and you. Perhaps you could try to get to know the new wife and find out what you appreciate about her and let her see what she can appreciate about you. Be careful about how you ask and what you ask for. (I'd only ask to take her to lunch or something little that doesn't require a lot of time at first.) You may have to ask gently on several different occasions before you find the right time and situation to get to know her, but she's important to your son so be patient and gentle. Don't push, but don't give up either.

Once you've built a relationship with her, then you'll be able to talk to her about this issue. It might take a while, but eventually you'll be able to tell her (without blame or emotion) that you'd like to participate in your grandchildren's activities, but you don't want to overstep and take on things she'd like to do. Tell her that it means a lot to you to be part of their lives, but that you understand she may have some things that she, as their new stepmother, might want to do that you've been doing. Then talk about what new traditions you might start together, including things with their school. Once she's not feeling so new, perhaps she will even ask you to resume some of the activities that you are accustomed to because she'll have developed her own relationship with the kids and won't feel at all threatened by your closeness to them.

A new marriage, especially one where kids are involved, is very stressful, even when it's good. Probably the best thing you can do right now is be calm, patient and forgiving. If you're peaceful, they'll gravitate to you in the midst of this change.

I'll think good thoughts for you all.

I wish my children had a grandma like yourself. Your daughter in law is crazy!! She rather have no one be there for her kids if she can't do it??? What does your son have to say about all this?? Has she confronted you personally or does she make your son tell you to stay away?? I'm sorry you must feel terrible. I think it's great that you are there for your grandkids.

Dear Grandma -

How I wish my kids had a grandma.

I think that the key to this problem is that you say this is your son's "new wife". There are undoubtedly lots of mixed feelings in your son's family, some of which you will never be privy to. Perhaps the new wife feels that you disapprove of her, or side with his previous wife, or that you remind her of some ex-in-law, or who knows what.

The key to getting back involved with your grandkids, is to improve your relationship to the new wife. Maybe you can try to make friends with her mother?

But it's a two-way street and your son has a role in helping it along as well. You can keep making gentle overtures, have a heart-to-heart with your son, apologize for any blunders you you remember making, but if they don't want you involved, there's not much you can do.

Hi Helpful Grandma,

I'm sorry your daughter-in-law considers raising children a win-or-lose game. I'd love to see additional volunteer resources at my daughter's school and not for one second would I feel it was unfair that a grandparent could help if I could not.

Have you contacted the school directly and offered to help, say indirectly, by volunteering in the library or on the schoolyard at recess or lunch. While your daughter-in-law might be upset that she can't help in the kids classroom, she surely couldn't have a problem with you helping the entire school.

If you think that would still upset her, please consider your local library. When my son was younger, volunteer grandparents would read in the library to the kids one on one. This let me get my own books, and he got individual attention from volunteers. In addition, some of them brought in crafts to do, or showed them collections of rocks, etc. They were very valued since I can assure you I couldn't show a kid how to knit for the of me--but some of the kids took to it.

Do not let your daughter-in-law's attitude ruin your gift for helping. There are too many kids without grandparents that need that extra attention.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.